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Thursday, May 6, 2010

All About Your Sexual Hygiene:)

You're laying in bed, next to this delicious looking body.
Naughty glances are exchanged, all too knowing looks.
You know what that means; its time to knock some boots!
Clothes come of, and you start to head south.
ONLY problem is, when the draws come off you take a direct hit to the face of THE FONK.
(FUNK is a music genre. FONK is body odor. There IS a difference.)
Knocks you off the bed as you gasp for air.
Oh no ma'am, not up in here NOT UP IN HERE!

To make sure you are neither a victim nor culprit, I've compiled a list to help y'all fonky bastards out.

...I'm just kiddin, I love my babes an gents:)

When it comes to sexual hygiene, my friends will tell you I'm VERY anal (no pun intended). I do the usual and then some, and by then some I mean I do shit you would never even think to do. And I do it EVERYtime. Why, you might ask? I have no idea, I just do. But it does pay off in the end, they keep coming back (with the exception of T.O.N.y., but who's counting...).

Lemme give you a little insight:

*I remove ALL traces of body hair from the neck down, starting @ my armpits and ending at my toes. This is a two day process, so I can get the closest shave possible.
*I also use Nair as shaving cream, makes my legs soft and my legs stay smooth for days.
*I exfoliate everything so my skin is super smooth.
*Then comes my face: mask, cleanse, tone, moisturize (in that order)
*Tweezing of the brows
*I use my fave scents, either vanilla, white cherry blossom, or DiaNoche by Daisy Fuentes.
*Bra an panties MUST match. I can't have it any other way.
*Its mandatory that the toes are painted. Idk why they just need to be.
*Then I usually curl my hair. Soft waves = sexy bed head.
*Minimal makeup, and by minimal I mean lenghtening and volumizing mascara (My faves are last blast), a lil bit of liquid liner, and some vaseline. Of course i don't keep the vaseline on the whole time, just the time leading up to the kissing. Keeps my lips thee softest.

I'm probably forgetting shit, but you get the idea...very time consuming.
And usually for sex that lasts all but 20 minutes.

I'm not gon give y'all fonky bastards the whole run down, I'm just gonna get y'all to a presentable state:)

First things first: HAIR REMOVAL.
Now I know a lot of mens likes their ladies to be groomed and whatnot, and I'll be the first to tell you it'll be a cold day in hell before I let ANY man see my lady bits all unkempt and whatnot. BUT that doesn't give the man an excuse to dictate to the lady how her lady bits should look!
What I mean by that is don't go tellin her she NEEDS to get a brazilian wax if you're not gonna be on the next table over right along with her. I say, if she shaves for you, its only fair to return the favor!

Me, personally, I'm a fan of a man who keeps his shit manscaped. I like the clean look, and I also don't like gagging on stray hairs when I'm trying to orally please you, either.
Manscaping just makes your junk look like treasure:)
I remember this one guy, we shall call him Ali, because indeed, he was the GREATEST. (Some have come close, but no cigar).
Not only was his dick GINORMOUS, but when he slid those basketball shorts off I saw there was not one hair on his nether region! So of course I gave him head like there was no tomorrow, and I admit, he was the only one who got special attention to the boys, cause those were shaved too and I just couldn't resist.
He thoroughly enjoyed himself.
And I enjoyed doing it.

I would deem this as a tad bit zesty if a man did it, but I think the women really need to jump on board with designs.
I picked up this months Cosmo and they had all kinds of cut-outs.
My fave? THE ARROW.
It just looked like loads of fun! But I usually go bald eagle, it just makes the sex easier, and some men are more inclined to go downtown if its bare.

Now there's two kinds of bare:
*Regular Bare and

Lemme just tell you, if you've gotten Porn Star Bare from me, you're a lucky bastard.
To Achieve Porn Star Bare-ness, you need a trimmer (I like Schick Quattro w/ the bikini trimmer on the end) and a good 5-bladed razor (I like Venus Embrace).
The trimmer can be used to remove the longer hairs (if its been a while since you last landscaped). I prefer to do this siting on a paper towel OUT the shower. Makes clean up waaay easier. Just roll it up and throw it away. Once you've trimmed down all the hairs you gotta sit down and spread em apart. The trimmer head is really thin so it can get all those pesky hairs that try to hide in the skin folds. Once all the uh, inner hairs are removed, you can hop in the shower with your 5 bladed razor and remove the rest of the hair.
That's the easy part.
You're basically gonna be bending in all sorts of weird positions to get into the nooks an crannies, but it sure beats waxing in my book. The end result is the same, although it doesn't last as long.

One of those tricky, naughty places that becomes exposed during 69, anal or better yet (or worse, depending on how you look at it) oral from behind.
Some people like to play/have theirs played with.
The fact of the matter is YOUR DIRT BOX IS BACK THERE.
I know during 69, I don't wanna see dingleberries back there, nor do I wanna smell your dirty gooch.
And I'm pretty sure he doesn't want a dirty smelly asshole sitting on his nose.
And noone likes to get dirty digits from finger play.
I can only IMAGINE how long it must take to get the smell out...
I've also heard stories about guys having anal sex and when they pull out the girl shits on them.
Now I'll be damned if that ever happens to me, which is why I evacuate and thoroughly sanitize the area, cause I'm not opposed to a lil' back door action:)
And shit is nasty, point blank.
Let's talk about how to clean the area properly.

First off, everyone should be taking a shit before they have sex anyways.
The three S's: Shit, Shower, Shave.
I'm a fan of baby wipes, because they don't leave pieces behind.
Anyways, after you go Number 2, hop your ass in the shower, and bring a brown or black towel with you, unless you wanna see whats been living back there.
After you've washed everything else, grab that towel, put some soap on it, and spread 'em.
Idk how many of y'all wipe your cracks on the daily; some people think wiping the cheeks is enough. UH, NO SIR.
You gotta get up in there pretty hard to remove all traces of fonk back there. And then you're pretty much set to go!
Now if someone decides to stick a finger (or a penis) back there, it won't come out all stinky and covered in shit:)

Then comes the basics of hygiene: brushing your teeth (please rinse with mouthwash for prolonged freshness), washing your face, PUTTING DEODORANT ON!!!, some nice smelling lotion or cologne, and the hygiene portion is done!

I like to take Listerine Pocket Packs with me because they
*Work fast in a bind
*The menthol cools your mouth which makes oral more fun
*And if you spend the night you can always pop one in before so-an-so wakes up.
Noone likes morning breath=/

Hey, I've brought you to the actual meet an greet part! Maybe next time we'll do foreplay and the big shabang:)

Questions/comments/money for the poor can be directed at

HW time, babes an gents...
Since we touched on oral, thought I'd give you a double whammy:)
(make sure you pop a pocket pack before you try this! I swear by it)

Courtesy of
these animations really crack me up...

Happy Hump Day kids:)
Miss Sixxxty, Your very own freak of the industry

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