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Monday, May 17, 2010

...And The Worst Of Times...

So I thought it would only be fitting if I blogged about the best sex ever...that I would have to recount the worst.
OH GOD.

You guys remember The Big Carl right? well, after out falling out, his roommate tried to get at me (that will be another blog in itself...smh). So the friend, we shall call him The Trollop, invited me to some Kappa party and I went cause I didn't have shit else to do...
I'm there, dancin it up, havin a good ol' time and I keep gettin texts like

"Where ru?"
"Is that ya boo?"
"y u keep leavin?"
"where u go?"


Just bein annoying as hell for no damn reason. So I ran into this dude, he was cute, and he had braces (I like guys with braces #DontJudgeMe) so I danced with him. Then you got the Trollop askin me when am I gon be finished dancing with him (negro please, you are NOT my man!).
I talked to the boy, we shall call him Goose, found out he was a kicker for the local college's football team, and we exchanged numbers and made plans to meet later.
First I had to get rid of the Trollop who was questioning my motives and my plans for later that evening (remember: he is NOT my boyfriend!!!) and finally I just shut my phone off.
Met up with Goose, and that's where it went downhill, and not in a good way.

...SMH...
So I get to his apt, and I notice there is someone passed out on the couch (this seems to be a common theme...) and we go to his room.
Junky as hell, first off. You don't invite someone over with your room looking like that!!! Clothes strewn about, blankets off the bed...I guess I should be happy he had least had a sheet on the bed...
Blah blah blah, he was a lil drunk, I was a lil horny, so after the convo he kissed me.
A really sloppy wet one.
He shoved his tongue all the way in my mouth, as if he was curious to see what my tonsils tasted like! Then he thought he would sexily suck on my bottom lip...it felt like he was tryna rip it off my face!
Y'all remember that scene from Next Friday? (skip to 8:30)

That's how my lip felt.
And he did it REPEATEDLY.
The next thing I knew he was undressing me. So he gets undressed and...*sigh* he's average but he has a fucking turtle!!!! Yucky yucky yucky ewwwwwww...I don't DO turtles!!! I really feel everyone should be circumsized, there's no real health benefit forkeepng foreskin, except your penis may be a tad more sensitive. Chop it off.
So I gave him a lil head, you know to help get him UP, and then I asked if he had a condom

"Oh, I don't do well with condoms" (you don't do well with your penis, either)
Let the awkward sex begin.
So he's laying next to me, clawing at my body basically (which wasn't a turn on it was just weird), asking me if I'll be "daddy's little slut" and things of that nature. YES, he IS in fact the guy I was talking about in the "Bad Dirty Talk" blog.

"Who's daddy's little bitch?"
Not I, said the cat.

So we're tryin to have sex, but he keeps losing his erection, making things difficult.

Tips for the Gents: If the erection is not there, please don't force it in a Babe's vagina, You will just embarrass yourself and make the situation awkward for the both of you. Get some head, give some head, pop in a porn, pop in a Viagra, Idc do SOMETHING, or try again later! Otherwise, you may be the subject of someone's blog:)

So I thought I'd help him out a bit. Then he demanded I spit on his dick. Which I did, but apparently I didn't do it the way he liked so he said, "No, spit like a big girl" and he got behind me, spread my ass cheeks apart and SPIT in my booty!!!
At this point I'm like "I need to get my ass up outta here PRONTO." But NOOOOO, he wasn't finished with me. We tried different positions and whatnot. While I like my sex rough, this man was another story. He damn near ripped my tracks out for no reason at all! He wasn't riding me or anything he just wanted a kiss! After about an hour or so of not being able to cum, he gave up and passed out next to me. FINALLY, I can get some sleep!
Oh, how wrong I was...

An hour or so later, I was awoken by him, I had no idea what was going on. The man was dry humping me in his sleep. Like a dog. So I scooted to the edge of the bed away from him and fell back asleep.

In about another hour, I woke up to the bed rocking. I look up and what do I see? Goose, on his knees, jacking off with his eyes rolling in the back of his head, making this weird, breathy sound, like he was almost at the point of orgasm, but not quite.
Apparently still tryna bust that nut.
BLUE BALLS IS A BITCH.

Then he slapped my ass and rolled me over in attempts to try again. Nope, nothing happened. So I decided to do the Walk Of Shame while I still had some pride and the cover of nightfall left before anyone saw me leave his apt. He had fallen asleep and I decided to sneak out.
What did I see laying on the floor when the sun came up? A MacBook.
I slap myself TO THIS DAY for not running of with that bitch!
I felt I shoulda been compensated for that horrid encounter! He woulda never knew where to find me, I don't think he even remembered my name. FML I need to start listening to my gut.

I later found out the whole college (and quite possibly the whole city) hated him for missing some very important field goals in a very important game in Hawai'i.
Touche, my friend, TOUCHE.

Trust and believe, this was not my only bad experience. I can blog for days about all the bad sex I've had. Hell, that can be a blog in itself:

"WHEN BAD SEX HAPPENS TO GOOD PEOPLE."
Aye, I copyright that:)

Anywhoo, I'm still waitin on my first email;) Tweets are nice but emails are special
AskMissSixxxty@yaho.com

Tonight, I'm in an exotic kinda Kama Sutra mood:)
Caution: For my experienced (and flexible) babes an gents ONLY! I will not be held responsible for any injuries that occur from novices attempting this move!
THE REVERSE PILE DRIVE

Courtesy of SexInfo101.com.
I suggest placing a pillow under the babe's head, and take it easy on the thrusting. Don't wanna snap her neck. But this position is great, I like it cause I can get my ass gripped and smacked,and maybe a lil finger action going too:)

Happy drivin' :)
Miss Sixxxty, your very own freak of the inustryy

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