Freewrite.

I'm gonna take this time to just say what's on my mind right now. It may get a lil gushy so if you didn't come here today for that type of thing you don't have to read this.
So as you all know I love Adam Driver's character "Adam Sackler" on HBO's GIRLS. I am in love with a tv character. I am in love with the idea of him, that someone like him exists out there. Everything he says usually hits home for me because either I'm feeling that way or he's replaying a scenario I've already been thru. In one episode he goes to an AA meeting because he feels like he's been slacking on them. He makes this speech that makes me sad:

"I had this girlfriend who at first i didn't like very much, or i didn't take her very seriously i guess. She just seemed like you know - piece of ass. She was PERSISTENT man...and she just hung around and hung around and showed up at my place and gradually it started to feel better when she was there. Wasn't love the way i imagined it - I just felt weird if i didn't know what she was up to or whatever and i like knowing that she was just gonna BE there and warm and staying the night. She acted like i was teaching her EVERYTHING...about history and sex....i showed her. And i wanted that chance to show someone everything. But she changed her mind about me and it was that fast." 

The first half reminds me of how things used to be, like the way i felt he thought of me. The middle reminds me of how I started feeling about him. The end reminds me of the last time I spoke to him with me being on the other end of the situation. It makes me think about things I wanna get over, but just quite haven't yet. I feel stupid for being a girl about this. Like this has never happened to me before, when it comes to sex everything was just smooth fucking sailing. Sure I'd still get mad when they were dicks but the only difference here was when they were dicks the first time around I'd peace them out and not look back with any problems. I don't know why this douche bag was so different. I didn't see myself falling for him until it was too late....this is really starting to sound like a romantic novel that some middle aged housewife would be reading in a bubble bath with a glass of wine. I HATE that. Mushy gushy romance stuff isn't me. That's why I'm so fucking confused.
The worst past is, is that I didn't just fall on my own. Aside from celebrity obsessions when you fall for someone you usually fall because they give you some sort of sign that hey they may like you too. I'm not an idiot. I wouldn't call someone i didn't like babe or hell i wouldn't even wanna flirt and hang out when we're not having sex. I would just say he showed signs he shouldn't have if he didn't either have feelings or want the girl to think he did and send her mixed signals. But mixed signals is what I got and I fell for the fucking okie doke. And got screwed in the end.
Now he's been gone since last year and I'm trying to just do other stuff and think about him as little as possible. But I still think about him sometimes. I wonder if he's gonna come back, because that's what I'm used to. Then I try to remind myself "No he's not coming back so move on". I think of some good times then tell myself he's a horrible person and whatnot. I ask if he ever thinks about me, even just a little and I have no fucking idea why. I thought I was good til I saw him at the gym. We live like 5 minutes away from each other and know most of the same people so I knew I'd have to see him EVENTUALLY, but I never knew when or how I'd feel at the time. When I saw him I had a fucking anxiety attack. It happened before I completely realized what was happening. I tried to finish my workout making sure to stay away, but I just wasn't feeling it. When I passed him up he avoided making eye contact and when he came in the sauna when I was already there he made sure to sit all the way in the back while his friend sat in front of me. I can act like it's not awkward and that it doesn't bother me but it does. I feel like I didn't do anything wrong to be treated like that. I have no idea how I managed to fall for a person who could be so mean. I can't even pinpoint what's making this all so difficult which in turn does not help me feel better. Like I can't fix something if I don't know what's broken! These are all weak words, words of a bitch. This makes me so mad because I don't know how to dead this shit already. I'm having a mental block right now. I just don't know anything about anything anymore. Everything is just all kinds of fucked. Now I would never ever even consider suicide over a broken heart be it him or someone in my future but now I know why some people do that shit. This shit is NOT  FUN some days it can seem unbearable. Some days I don't even know how people who got over this did. I just try to tell myself that I'm okay, and there's someone better out there or whatever. And have fun in the meantime. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't. I mean it sucks to feel shitty but it's just a part of life. And life moves on. 
I'm just honestly over feeling like this I want to feel repulsed when I think about him already.
I'm gonna go watch some Netflix and think on it. Since that's pretty much the only thing I can do. merp:/

Miss Sixxxty, wants to go to sleep. 
 

I Need An Adam Sackler.

One night I stumbled upon HBO's Girls OnDemand. And I fell in love after the first episode. The season finale? They played my ratchet girl anthem "Yankin'" by Lady. At a WEDDING. I especially fell in love with title character Hannah Horvath's (Lena Dunham) love interest Adam Sackler (Adam Driver). He is like Happenis reincarnate. The guy I kinda wish he was. But isn't. Oh well. But he's like perfect. I'm still mad I have yet to see his dick but I've seen her dad's old ass balls...It would suck if I'm fantasizing about this man and he has a peepee...He's a nymphomaniac and an alcoholic (I could do without the latter but I'm not judging). He says random hilarious shit whenever him and Hannah have sex, which reminds me so much of HIM. And the gay part is after complaining about her "boyfriend" in her head not appreciating her she actually gets the guy! And the ungrateful bitch just backs down! As if he was merely a plot in her book. I would fucking KILL to be in her position as much as I hate to admit it. And I hate to admit that I'm in love with a fucking television character:( He is far from perfect which makes him so perfect. I don't want the McDreamy, who knows all the right things to say, who wants to make tender love to me all the time. I need the Adam, who will cuss right back at me, who will argue with me, and who will pee on me in the shower (and I would actually find it funny). I want him to call me "Kid" instead of "babe". I need a weirdo type romance.I want to role play weirdo situations, like scolding him as I watch him jack off in front of me. I don't want the fairy tale story book romance. I need THIS. I wish he was a real person. I'd go find him and tie him to the bed for three days just cause I feel like it. It seems they always end their conversations with "Alright let's go fuck". I want that!!!! And now that the season ended with Adam seemingly breaking up with Hannah (the weirdo in me wants him to be single; the sane part knows if that happens he may not be on the show much longer). Like before Hannah left one day he grabbed her face and was like "Quit tryna kiss me, don't kiss me...d'aaaaaah okay" and kissed her. It was cute. HE is cute. She can yell at him and pour out her heart and all he wants to do is fuck her because her yelling was turning him on. I am a fucking loon.

Which brings me to wonder: Can long term booty calls lead to long term relationships? Adam and Hannah were fucking for 6 months and finally her whining made something happen. And they seemed pretty happy. If you've been fucking the same person for a year plus, what's stopping you from being with them? You obviously like them enough to keep coming back a year later. You're both (hopefully) single. You have fun when you guys hang out and do other things besides have sex. If she can cook, keep a clean house, is good with kids, and has shown you that she is just an overall good woman, then what is truly stopping you? I feel like you can't let the fact that she fucked you on the first night so long ago or that this was strictly supposed to be casual stop you from trying. There's nothing worse than asking yourself what if. You could have been going through a string of failed relationships over the course of your "fucklationship" with the other girl, looking for that perfect girl, when she may have been under your nose the entire time. And if during that time you have yet to have a successful relationship, there really can't be any harm in just trying right? Worst case scenario it doesn't work out, and you guys can break up. And it's finished.
All I'm saying is, if you have a legit reason, then fine. But if the only thing stopping you a year later is "She fucked me on the first night" then you're stupid. And you might as well give it a go. Shit.

But anyways in order to understand why I love Adam so much you would have had to have watched the show. For those who haven't seen it, I sat thru 5 hours of reruns just to give you my favorite Adam-isms. In order.

"It gives me the freedom that I don't have to be anyone's slave. You should never be anyone's FUCKING slave. Except mine."

Adam: Lay on your stomach...grab your legs.Okay this is good. I'm gonna go get some lube...When I get back I want you in the exact same position. Just with the rest of the shit off.
Hannah: Will you get a condom?
Adam: I'lllllllllll...consider it!


Adam: Yeah you like that?
Hannah: I like it. I like everything you're doing.
Adam: I knew when I found you you wanted it this way
Hannah: Found me where?
Adam: In the street. Walking alone.
Hannah: We didn't met in the street we met at a party. Oh i got it- the street yeah walking the street.
Adam: You were a junkie. You were only 11. And you had your fucking cabbage patch lunch box
Hannah: Yeah and I was really scared when I saw you.
Adam: Fuck. You're a dirty little whore and I'm gonna send you home to your parent's covered in cum.
Hannah: Oh don't do that they're gonna be so angry.
Adam: Where do you want me to cum? face? pretty little tits? tummy? touch yourself!
Hannah: Where?
Adam: You know fucking where. From now on you have to ask my permission when you wanna cum. If you're touching yourself and you think you're gonna cum you better fucking call me first.
*post orgasm* You want a gatorade? 
(sounds like something I'd do. I wanna do this)


Hannah: What do you normally do?
Adam: I do......what I'm told....*grunt, grunt, pant, pant, thrust*


Hannah: We always use condoms.
Adam: Do we?
Hannah: Yeah. We used one last night.
Adam: Oh yeah, I guess we do. That's probably why it takes me 25 years to nut whenever I have sex with you.
(reminds me of the "I think you have a million of my kids swimming inside you right now" convo)

"Ooooooh you look awesome. Come the fuck upstairs. But wait. I have to warn you about something. If you come up here I'm gonna tie you up to my bed for at least three days cause I'm just in that kinda mood" (do it!!)


"These things (Fwb) have an expiration date. Six months, or until someone stops having fun...It's a bummer, but people do outgrow each other." ( :/ )


"Does it turn you on...to watch me touch my own cock?"


"Okay kid will do, I miss you. I wish you were here right now. I saw your name earlier on my phone and I was like where the fuck is that girl...I wish she was here right now..."


"You don't wanna know me. You wanna come over in the night and have me fuck the dog shit out of you and then you wanna leave and write about it in your diary. You don't wanna know me." (!!!!!!!!)


“Look kid, I don’t know what you want from me. Do you want me to be your boyfriend? Is that it?! Do you want me to be your fucking boyfriend?!” (yes. yes I do.)



Hannah: If you don't like ice cream what do you like?
Adam: I like you.


"I promised myself that I would follow my gut. No matter what. And I do what makes me feel good"


 "Yo skank where you at? Getting that pussy pounded? (it's my sister)"


"Don't waste time on guilt, Hannah. Holding onto toxic relationships is what keeps us from growing. You're blooming every time you shed a layer. Even closer to yourself."


"Jesus kid, save your strength. We're in it for the long haul."


“If you wanna fuck me from behind, at least put my hair back.”


Adam: You love yourself so much so why is it so crazy that someone else would too?
Hannah: I don’t love myself.
Adam: You’re the fucking worst. You know that? Because you think you’re not pretty. And you’re not a good writer. And you’re not a good friend. Well, you are pretty. And you are a good writer. And you are a good friend.
Hannah: Well thank you.
Adam: Is this the game? You chase me like I’m the fucking Beatles for six months and then I finally get comfortable and you shrug? What the FUCK is wrong with you?!
Hannah: I’m scared okay? I’m really scared all the time. I’m like very scared all the time.
Adam: Join the fucking club.
Hannah: No. Because I’m more scared than most people are when they say that they’re scared. I’m like the most scared person who’s alive.
Adam: Well you don’t have the right to be. I told you once I really commit to something I really fucking commit! You asked for this. And now your being a fucking bitch.
Hannah: Adam, come on. OK. you’re scared. I’m looking at you, I know your scared. You’re acting like you’re not but you are. I know you now we’ve been doing this for a while, I know you now.
Adam: Stop! Stop! You don’t know me! You don’t know shit about me!
Hannah: Get out of the street!
Adam: You don’t know me and you don’t know yourself. You think because you're, what, 11 pounds overweight you know struggle?
Hannah: I am 13 pounds overweight and it has been awful for me my whole life!
Adam: Holy fucking shit! Here’s the world smallest tiny violin playing My Heart Bleeds for You! Fuck you! You don’t know struggle. I’m a beautiful fucking mystery to you.

"You wish I had a fucking concussion...no, NO! Family only. Family only right? *looks at medic*  Op family only you're not my fucking family. Don't let her in she's a monster."

And if you don't love Adam after reading ALL my favorite quotables, well then fuck you too more for me! But you can see the development in the character with just these quotes. Maybe I love him so much because this is the person I want Happenis to become. Maybe I like him because he's attractive. Maybe I just have a thing for skinny athletic built assholes. The world may never know.

"I have to warn you. The first time I fuck you I may scare you a little. Because I'm a man. And I know how to do things."
(That wasn't an Adam quote, it was some other dude, but you see why I love this fucking show)
Miss Sixxxty, your very own freak of the industryyy