Penises, Pubes, && Lies Told During Sex

Hey babes an gents. Been M.I.A. again, my apologies. But I've been verrrrry busy. And if you follow me on twitter, NO, I WON'T be talking about last weekend. Lol. Fuck it, let's jump right into the ish.

PENISES
Okay so the Sexsomniac brings me to this topic. The last time I went to go see him he texted me like a week later telling me he woke up hard (bitch) so I instantly wake up and get ready to make moves. Then he starts complaining about how I really don't wanna have sex with him because his dick is so small and blah blah blah. Because I clearly didn't wanna have sex all those other times right? -______- He always thinks the sex isn't any good, when it actually is. Okay and I know his dick isn't the biggest but I don't really care because he happens to be one of those exceptions to the rule. I was talking to my friend this past weekend about a dude we had mutually fucked with (at different points in time) and she was saying how she didn't really like him, she just fucked with him on occasion cause his dick was big. If I wasn't driving I would've given her the stuck on stupid face. I don't remember his dick being big AT ALL. It was more on the average side. And he didn't manscape (ew. We'll get back to that in a sec.) She told me it was just because I was used to whale penises. Lol. I can't help it if the dudes I pick happen to be very blessed. A few of them should get into porn.
Back to the Sexsomniac tho, I've noticed this pattern where we'll have sex and like the next day he'll go on and on about how small his dick is and how much he sucks in bed. And I'm just like "Shhh, just shut up. I liked it." I mean what do I say to that?! Like do I lie and say "Your dick really isn't small tho..." or do I just agree with him BUT let him know that I don't care he isn't a mandingo dick slanger? On some "I know it isn't the biggest but you really know how to move your ass:)" (Brownie points if you know where that line is from). It's just getting more annoying than anything...Like if all you're gonna do is bag on yourself after sex I'd rather you just fuck me and not say anything when we're finished. Please and thank you in advance. So FYI to the dudes that know they aren't working with much, as long as you got a diamond tipped dick she really won't care. And if she keeps going back to you for said diamond tipped dick on her own accord, she obviously doesn't think your stroke game sucks!

PUBES
READ:This is not meant to be racially insensitive, so don't take it that way. This has just been my observation in my experiences. But a lot of the black dudes I've been with don't manscape. What's up with that?! I've been with some latinos that don't do it, but more often than not they're all nice and tidy. But the black dudes, they just let that shit grow freely. I mean I wouldn't even make a big deal about it if some of them had it trimmed down. Nope, they have full on afros below the belt, complete with beady beads. And everyone knows when you don't manscape, don't expect me to do any type of licking on or near your balls. I do not get down with swallowing pubes here and there. Is it a mental thing? Like that's your way of saying you're a man? Or is it to trap the pheromones and attract the ladies? I'm more attracted to smoothness but I digress. Or is it simply because you're too lazy to shave it off? I need answers...And ESPECIALLY from those dudes who want to look at a girl crazy when she's between waxes. Sir have you taken a look in the mirror? If you require your girl to be flying bald eagle then you should be flying right along with her. Those are just my general feelings on manscaping, the black dude thing was just an observation.

LIES TOLD DURING SEX
This one is the biggie. There are two types of lies told during sex: The excuse and the sex drunk lies.

THE EXCUSE: This usually happens for the dudes. There was this guy I went to high school with, I would have never expected us to hang out EVER in life, and by chance, we went to a party and just started hanging out on friendly terms. I would always text him and ask him for advice on other guys, and I remember him mentioning how one night he misfired with this chick but he wasn't worried about it because he had given her "the business" before. Then I started drunk dialing him and staying at his house while I sobered up. I liked him because he never tried anything while I was intoxicated he would just let me sleep. One night tho, he kissed me while I was all snuggled up on him watching a movie, and one thing led to another and I saw him reaching for a condom off the nightstand. Welp. Even though I was drunk it was over before I knew it. He just yelled "Oh Noooooo quickieeee" while he busted. And it was over. My drunk mind was thinking, "I have been cheated. Yet again." He asked me if I needed a towel and I'm thinking, for what? I'm fine. He hit me with the "That never happens" line. I hear that shit all the time and I reFUSE to believe I am the first person nor the reason these dudes keep misfiring. Whether it be because you can't get an erection, can't keep one, or bust too early, that shit is not my fault. I do the dick sucking and I do the riding, I think I do my part. Now you do yours. Buy cock rings, think of porn, think of baseball. Hell do whatever you gotta do to help yourself out.

But then again my sex life is doomed, remember? Thanks a lot Happenis. Bitch.

SEX DRUNK LIES
"Ooooh, baby I love you"
"This pussy is aaaaaaall yours"
"I wanna have your babies please let me have your baby"
"I'll cook, I'll clean, I'll make you tacos for lunch"
"I'll pay your rent"

Have you ever thought about the shit you say during sex? I think about some of the things I say and it makes this black girl blush. Obviously under normal circumstances I wouldn't say any dumb shit like that* but when you got that diamond tipped dick making you feel all kinds of good to where if you opened your eyes you wouldn't be able to see straight, you say some crazy stuff. What the fuck possesses us to say some crazy shit like that? Just have us straight talking out our asses, no pun intended. One day my friend hits me up asking me if I've ever told a dude I loved him during sex. I told him no, I might've said I love IT, but never I love HIM. he then asks me if girls can be fucked into saying it. I say if they an be fucked into submission, why not? He tells me he was fucking his FWB and she told him she loved him.

"What if she says it twice? Is it still the sex talking? I definitely don't know what to say back. SO I continue thrusting."

That is the reason I love having guys for friends. Because that line right there is GOLD.

In that case the chick actually had feelings for him, but that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about all the other goofy shit you wouldn't be saying if his peen wasn't anywhere near or around your vag. I would never tell a dude I was gonna pay his rent unless my head was about to explode off my shoulders in orgasm induced ecstasy* . Sex is a powerful thing. If a dude asked me to do something in between sucking and kissing on my neck I'd probably agree to buying timeshares on the moon. It's THAT serious. I would hope that everyone takes what their partner is saying during sex with a grain of salt.

Him: "Mmm babe" *sucks on neck* "I need to borrow 500 dollars"
Me: "hhurihulfrhelreuailhreuih cash or check"
Him: *sucks some more* "Don't matter. Can I borrow your car too?"
Me: "jfiewouhuwehdewualYEShidhuflhresufhe"
Him: "I don't have any gas money tho"
Me: "Shhhh. Less talking. More sucking"

after all the sex...

Him: "So about that money..."
Me: "I don't know what the hell you're talking about...LOOK AT ALL THESE FUCKING HICKIES YOU ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

SIDEBAR: why do hickies feel so good and leave suck ugly evidence behind? Le sighh...

*I PERSONALLY have never said any of that, except maybe that he can have ALLA DISSS, it's all his...but the other stuff HELL NO.

I need to get my life together and figure out what I'm about to do, as far as my sex life goes. I hate dry spells. And I would really love it if someone would let me play in trade as far as oral sex goes. We don't even have to have official intercourse, as long as he puts that puff the magic dragon tongue back to work MY GOD. And I would obviously gladly return the flavor.

Miss Sixxxty, your very own freak of the industryy

I Just Gave...

...the longest blow job of my life. I was just feelin' generous one night so I called this guy up (no nickname as of yet). He's just fun to fuck around with, albeit if he isn't always available (booooooo). He told me he only had 20 minutes to spare and I'm thinkin' "too easy" so he slides the seat back and I go to town. 24 minutes later I'm like "Don't you need to go?" and he tells me to just keep going. It's like every time he would tell me "Just like that...keep it just like thaaaast" my jaw would start aching. Switching between licking and sucking just got too damn tiring at one point I was thinkin I know it's past his bedtime. I told him I was gonna try to go for a record and he decided to take that as a personal challenge to see how long he could keep from busting. I was bent in so many odd positions trying to get in a comfortable oral giving position that I woke up the next day feeling like I had gotten violated by a horse when I didn't even have sex. After an hour he finally came. Better late than never I say!
SEXSOMNIAC MAKES HIS TRIUMPHANT RETURN
We hadn't been seeing much of each other lately because we have been off doing our own things. One morning at like 4:30 a.m. I get a phone call from him. Half asleep I answer the phone and he screams "THIS IS A BOOTY CALL. WAKE UPPPPP. REMEMBER THAT TIME WE WENT TO THE CASINO AND I LOST 200 BUCKS? I DIDN'T EVEN REALLY WANNA HAVE SEX THAT NIGHT BUT I STILL ASKED ANYWAYS. REMEMBER WHEN YOU RAPED ME?? YEAH, YOU OWE ME. SO BRING THAT ASS." Anything else sir? After a little back and forth I made my way over to east jesus nowhere (with the promise of going straight to sleep right after). This was before gas prices started fucking us in the ass again. I get there and the big dude that tried spooning with me the first time we had sex was there and so was that stupid ass cunt that tried molesting me when he thought I was passed out. We just sat around talking for a minute and then we decided to head off to bed.
We're layin in bed making small talk and somehow he pushed me out the bed! Then he elbowed me and I wasn't sure if this was a form of foreplay or if he was just being a drunken idiot.
Me: Keep it up and I'm gonna kick your ass.
Sexsomniac: No you won't...because you love me like a brother.
Me: ..............please don't say that before we have sex. It's kinda creepy...
Sexsomniac: Okay well you love me like a good friend.
Much better...I roll over and start kissing him and he starts pulling at my sweats. The thing I like about having sex with him is he likes kissing. Kissing before sex is very underrated. And on the contrary, just because you kiss me during sex doesn't mean I'm going to all of a sudden catch feelings for you. It's just one of those things I like during sex. Now, kissing and there isn't and sex involved is another story (unless I'm drunk...but I can't remember JUST drunkenly making out with someone...). Anyways, we get undressed, he grabbed on my fanny, pulled out the jammie, and killed the punani (kinda) *in my Ice Cube voice*
SIDEBAR: Punani and fanny are one of those words I hate
I started out on top, riding him a little bit...but it's been so long since I've been on top IN A BED that the mattress wasn't firm enough and I couldn't get into a groove. Car sex will do that to you. I got off and we started spooning. It's so weird, cause his dick isn't the biggest (it ain't the smallest either) but he can still hit certain spots. Every time he thrusted I'd bend over a lil more until I folded like a lawn chair. I got bored after a while so I pushed him back and told him to get on his knees. I bent down in front of him and started throwin' it back at him. And I don't mean where I'm on all fours rocking my entire body into him. Dancing at the strip club has taught me to work my hips and ass in ways I didn't know capable. I was pitching a lot of ass and he was catching just as good. Felt great EXCEPT the way my ass was going back and forth reminded me of a jello mold on a plate I felt like my ass was about to slide the fuck off my body. I hate that feeling but when I looked back at him the look on his face said he was enjoying the fuck outta that shit, so I continued. He took over after a while and I just stuffed my head under a pillow to muffle myself, but you could still hear *clap, clap, clap, clap*. I heard the two dudes down the hall laughing and I couldn't figure out if they could hear us or if they were laughing about something else. But that wasn't gonna stop me from getting my issue handled, no ma'am. He's really the only guy who's ever gotten close to making me feel the way Happenis did but it is obviously not the same AT ALL...that man needs to hurry up and bring his ass BACK.
He finally busts, and as we're cleaning up and getting dressed we're having a convo like we didn't just have sex. We go rejoin the boys, play a quick game of beer pong and I decide I'd rather go to sleep in my own bed. As I get ready to leave he asks me where I'm going and I say I'm going home.
Sexsomniac: REAL! So you're just gonna leave huh...hit it and quit it? I feel so used...
Well damn, my bad homie. And all this time I had been thinking dudes actually WANTED me to leave after sex. Smh. lol
SOMETHING I'D LIKE TO ADDRESS
Don't text me asking if I want the dick and when I say yes say "That's nice". You woke me up out my sleep, made me horny and shut me down in a matter of 5 minutes. I hate your life. Don't text me again.
IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING...
The Rain Check man still ain't tryna let a bish be great and cash that shit in...we see each other here and there and we're friendly so I don't know what the deal is.
Sex. When it's good it's great. When it's bad it's still pretty good.
Miss Sixxxty, your very own freak of the industryy

Keep It 100

Hola, hola...up at my tweaker crackhead hours again because this stupid issue (not sex) is bothering me...what better way than to blog it. The phrase of the day is "Keep it 100" because apparently people are having a hard time grasping the concept.
So there's this guy (always the beginning of a juicy story), might've blogged about him a couple months ago about taking time off work to go see him out of town just for him to bail on me at the last minute? If I did, lemme refresh your memory and if I didn't lemme fill you in:

Basically had been going to school with this guy since forever, after high school went our separate ways. Might've crushed on him on an off thru high school but nothing too serious. Broke up with his long term girlfriend and we hung out shortly after that. He came home on spring break talking all kinda shit, we made out, then after that he stopped taking my calls/texts. Get on fb an see he got back with his gf. Okaaay...couple months later same shit happens but this time he wants me to visit him. We pick a weekend, I take time off work (which I hated because I honestly hate taking time off work) and the week I was supposed to go he stops taking my calls/texts. The day before he tells me he's "sick". I tell him that's fine I'll be his nurse and feed him chicken noodle soup in bed all flirty like and he still tells me I shouldn't go. At this point I'm pissed because I'm stuck in town and I'm not working when I could be. He gets a new gf and deletes me on fb. Couple months later he hits me up out of nowhere and I should be used to his game by now but my dumb ass still plays into it. Tonight I just got fed up with his ass.

It's like we'll have these long ass convos nshit and I think everything is going good then he pulls the stupid fall off the face of the earth card and I'm sitting here like damnit what NOW?? His texts started coming far and few in between, and I could feel the cycle repeating itself. I have this rule, where if I send 3 texts on 3 different occasions and you don't respond or don't engage I delete your number and play the waiting game. I either forget about you, or you come around. Win/win situation. And that's what I did. But I decided to do something different this time, and just flat out ask him what the fuck his problem was. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I am clearly a damn fool. I was starting to feel that there was another girl in the picture and I was once again getting pushed off to the side as I had before. At first he wanted to play stupid, then I told him if his heart or his dick or whatever was in a different place than between us then that was fine with me. I just needed to know SOMETHING because this stupid little merry go round was getting stupid. He tried telling me he didn't know what I was talking about, and I debated on bringing up each instance we started talking and how they all ended and decided against it. He chalked it up to being busy and he can't always talk and blah blah blah cause clearly I look like boo boo the fool. I'm a woman I can sense shit like that. After doing a bunch of pointless going back and forth I just gave up and waived that white flag. I didn't wanna argue anymore because it was going NOWHERE...and once I stopped responding he started sending those obnoxious "???" texts...like THAT'S going to invoke a response from me...

Moral of the story: whether we're TALKING talking in terms of a relationship or hell even just casually fucking around it's obviously best to keep it 100 with each other. If you start not to feel the situation anymore, speak up. If you meet someone else and it gets serious, speak up. Hell, if it's anything that's gonna prevent the progress of the "relationship" between you two SPEAK UP. Nobody wants to be strung along as much as nobody wants to be stuck in a situation they don't wanna be in. I know if I don't like a dude or don't wanna fuck with him, I will let him know. (We know thissss...I may not be the nicest about it after a while but you can't say it doesn't get the job done). I just ask for the same in return. I always tell Happenis if he ever gets bored with our situation just to tell me he doesn't wanna fuck anymore, rather than falling off the face of the earth and keeping me guessing about our situation. I'd rather have a definite "it's a done datta" than a "kinda maybe sorta" situation. That way I know if we're still on texting terms or whatever and I don't have to wonder about how you feel about me or our situation...You know I just hate feeling like a damn bug to something that ain't even there anymore...I mean I always tell people they don't have to lie at all, they can tell me how they feel whether they think it'll hurt my feelings or not. I'm a big girl! I can handle it!

SIDE BARI've noticed I've been done dirty by dudes I haven't even done anything major sexually with more than dudes I've slept with. One guy I talked to, we'd have these "movie nights" where I'd just go to his pad, watch movies and knock out. Never even kissed him. I'm thinking everything is going peachy and about a week after one of our movie nights I ask him what the next movie is gonna be and he tells me he has a girlfriend. Um...can you say blindsided?! Here I am, thinking we might be on track for a relationship, thinking I did everything right by keeping my legs closed, and he wasn't even checking for me! Damn near a year later he came back around but that ship had long sailed. Sucks for him!

Mmm...idk...just one less dude to worry about...frees up more space in my phone for more important things...like updating Angry Birds. I'm a grown ass woman and don't have time for games. If you wanna fuck and I wanna fuck then yay! Let's get something worked out. Cut all the bullshit. But like I said it's a concept people can't grasp these days i.e. this idiot...

As far as Happenis goes...we all know I cracked and fucked him a few weeks back when he was in town...what can I say he's just too good at what he does...Can't pass it up (especially when I'm not getting it anyways).

The Rain Check Guy (that's the best I could do)...well, when I know something, you'll know something.

My visits with the Sexsomniac are becoming far and few in between...which kinda sucks cause I liked his convenience...but we haven't been kicking it lately. Just doing our own things...hmm NBD.

Cheers to the fucking weekend,
Miss Sixxxty, your very own freak of the industryy

"You Up?"

My nerves are completely fucking irked. This whole thing about initiating sex just has my spirit disturbed. I think we can all agree that at any given moment I'm prolly thinking about sex. Whether I'm in class, the grocery store, or in church I'm thinking about penis. That being said, the whole "Closed mouths don't get fed" rule clearly doesn't apply to me. Why? I have no fucking idea. I always thought in a man's perfect world they'd have a bad bitch who wanted to have sex ALL THE TIME and would happily oblige them when they asked. I would be that bitch. If the sex is good then you should already know you got me. I have yet to meet a man who wanted to have sex as much as I do (and if they did they weren't doin it with me:/). They make me feel like this sexual maniac, like something must be wrong with me if none of these dudes want it like I do. In MY perfect world I would have access to the dick whenever the fuck I asked, at least once a day. Don't care when, don't care where, don't care how just give me the shit.
This leads me to the issue at hand. I know I obviously can't hit up any dude EVERY TIME I wanna have sex, this I know. But those rare few occasions I DO try to initiate something they mistake my wanting sex for catching feelings. Or some other bullshit. Listen. Sir. I'm not trying to date you, I'm not trying to invite you to dinner and a movie I would just really like to borrow your penis for my personal enjoyment every now and then. Cool with you? And it ESPECIALFUCKINGLY irks me when I hit you up and you turn me down, I stop texting you and you hit me with the "I haven't heard from you in a while" well NO FUCKING SHIT SHERLOCK! Why would I continue to hit you up when you always turn me down?! It takes like twice for you to turn me down before I declare you a lost cause. The phone works both ways you know how o get in contact with me when you decide you're ready for me again...
Idk maybe I just have the world's worst timing and they'd actually like to have sex with me when I text but due to some prior obligations they can't. Or some shit. Who knows...
Is there some sort of protocol for proper waiting time before I get to try to initiate the shit and get mine? No? This is why I propose the emoji developers come up with a single emoji that would signify that I would like to bang the shit out of you I could initiate sooooo many more booty calls with that. So simplistic, yet it would get the job done. Apple where's my check?!
So yes. For those of you I get textually active with, when you don't hear from me for a few days its not because I'm tryin to play it cool. I'm doing it so you don't think I'm starting to have feelings for you. The only feelings I'm having for you are deep in the pits of my vag. If you can help me out with that then fanfuckingtastic. If not, then why the fuck are you even texting me in the first place??
YES. If we just FUCK, don't text me just wanting to talk. It's annoying.
...Why is it so hard to find a fuck buddy who just wants to have sex all the time? I'm convinced I'm a scientific anomaly...Whatever I'll just go back to being sexually frustrated until I get to cash in my rain check...if that ever happens...

Miss Sixxxty, Your very own freak of the industryy

When I Tell You Guys...

...that I just received the best head of my fucking life...like this shit was life changing...i swear I just want to share the awesome news with any and everyone that will listen but for obvi reasons ill keep my trap shut about him...my town is way too small...but this shit...was AMAZEBALLS. I mean he was a great kisser to start off with (no busted lip or engulfing my mouth within his...) Gentle when he needed to be, and gently nibbling on my bottom lip not trying to rip it off like a baby wildebeast. I hopped in his lap and kept at it, and he picked me up and carried me from the couch to the bed (FINALLY got manhandled!!). He went from kissing me, to kissing my neck (drools) then he sat up, took his shirt (what a lovelyyy sight) and took my pants off. When he just dove down there no questions asked I was a lil surprised but man oh man did he go. To. Fucking. TOWN. He slid the panties to the side and worked it a lil bit...then just took em completely off and enjoyed himself some 4th meal. I'm pretty sure he serenaded GiGi with a song and she liked it. A lot. Just an amazing combo of licks, sucks and those FANGASSS my god...he doesn't just ram them in there either he knows how a vagina is built and works so he does the whole "come hither" thing with his fingers and just assaults the fuck out my gspot. I was almost worried I was going to glaze him! I kept running so he hoofed his arms around my legs and buried himself in my thighs...YES MA'AM YES LAWD!!! I dont think I can go on about his grade A head game enough. Fuck what the rest of these little boys were doing...i thought I was getting good head my entire sexual life until he fell into my lap. Before I wasn't ever big on head, if you were a giver no then great if not I wasn't tripping either way but THAT shit right there...i would LOVE that shit all the time.

Oh, and trust and believe I gladly returned the favor. I sucked his dick like my life depended on it. Had to show my gratitude lol...

Unfortunately had to take a rain check on the sex:/ but I am waiting to cash it in...whenever he's ready;)

Miss Sixxxty, your very own freak of the industryy

Big Money, Big Money!!!

So TECHNICALLY I'm not being  trifling when I don't ever know when Happenis and I are officially OFF...I mean I gotta get the dick from somewhere...So I've kept the Sexsomniac on the back burner you know, just in case...
But he had been acting reeeeal funny lately...he would invite me to kick it, and me thinking I'm guaranteed some dick that night when I would get there I'd see his ex gf there. The fuck?! Sir why are you bringing sand to the beach?? I don't have a problem with him or any other dude fucking other bitches, but don't make me get out my bed to come hang out when I wasn't tryna "hang" in the first place. So I stopped texting him and one night he told me to come hang out cause the ex wouldn't be there...and SOMEHOW I ended up with him sucking on one of my boobs and some other little Mexican boy on my other one (I didn't even know his name!) Then I was making out with the Sexsomniac while the other Mexican boy tried sticking his hand in my pants. Um. Not tonight sir...
Anyways after that night I eased up on texting him because I didn't want him thinking I was catching feelings when I wasn't. One night he hits me up and asks me if I wanted to go to the casino. I say sure why not, I've never been. We make some drinks before we go and I smuggle mine in my purse. We hit up the blackjack table and it only takes me losing 35 bucks for me to quit but he kept going. Oh, did I mention his mom was there and my tits were out? Yeah...that was my first time meeting her...
Anyways they gambled for FUCKING HOURS before we finally left. I was already drunk because I smashed on my drink in the bathroom and I was trying to keep it together lol. We're driving back to town just talking and all I'm thinking about is how much I wanna fuck. We pull up to his house and he's like "Do you wanna have sex?" Why yes, yes I DO. We hop in the back seat and I start straddling him. Having sex with him is fun because he likes making out. We did that for a bit, stroked him til he got hard, and I hopped on. Generally I do all the riding and he just sits there and sucks on my nips (he actually knows how to do it right) until I feel like switching. For someone with an average peen he still manages to stroke the gspot when he's behind me, which makes me wonder why the fuck that stupid ass Conejo couldn't do shit!!! Our back seat action sexcapades may not be as crazy as those with Happenis but I still get mine and enjoy it nonetheless. We both finish and contemplate getting breakfast, but its like 5 in the morning and I kinda just wanna sleep. If I have one complaint about the Sexsomniac its just that he second guesses himself so much it irks me. He's always like "Sorry for that bad sex" and I'm just like wtf are you talking about? I always tell him if it was bad I wouldn't be going back. Maybe he just likes getting his ego stroked...idk...
I would love to fuck him as much as I Possibly could but he is one of those dudes who can't fuck worth a damn unless they're drunk as fuck. I've heard of whiskey dick, but liquid viagra? C'mon son...what do I have to do, fuck an alcoholic to get some steady dick on the regular?? BLAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Miss Sixxxty, your very own freak of the industryy

Let's Start 2012 Off With A Bang, Shall We?

You see babes an gents THIS is why GiGi is so fucking picky. If I step out on Happenis even for a moment 9 times outta 10 it is going to be absolutely horrid. Idk what kinda weirdo voodoo hex he has placed over me but I wish it would come off me! God I don't even know where to begin...

I've seen a little bit of Happenis (I know, I know, much to the people's dismay, but that's a whole 'nother blog for a whole 'nother day), a little bit of the Sexsommiac (once again, I know, triflin' as SHIT) and recently I added some new meat to the mix. Let's call him...fuck I don't even know...Conejo (aka rabbit in spanish. It fits). I had been hard pressed for the peen lately because it seemed as if no one was tryna put out when I needed them to! And one day I was perusing my fb and saw this dude I used to work with and thought hmm...what if...I read his bio which actually had an ounce of intelligence in it (caught my ass off guard) and somewhere he may have mentioned that he wasn't a one minute man but I swear that had nothing to do with my decision! Anyways, I posted something on his wall, we had some small talk, and when he messaged me with his number I knew it was going down. So I hit him up, and I noticed he still used a signature on his texts. If this wasn't a red flag then I don't know what is. But I ignored it and we made plans to meet up later. I didn't know where he lived (not from his town) so I used my GPS and I'm telling you the closer I got the more I hoped my navigation was wrong! I turned on his street and I knew I was in the fucking ghetto. Everyone had dirt lawns, the "fences" were made out of that chicken wire shit, I mean his whole house was probably as big as my living room and dining room put together and I by no means at all live in a mansion! There were no sidewalks...just dirt and street...but I told myself not to judge a book by its cover. When he said he got his own place finally I was thinking like an apartment! But whatever I pull up and he tells me his friends are gonna go play beer pong somewhere and if I wanted to go. I told him it was "up to him", that I wasn't trippin. He decides we should go. We pull up to the house and when I walk in theres a mattress in the living room with someone sleep on it and two yappy ass little mutts who keep jumping on me. The beer pong "table" was non-existent; it was maybe like a sq. yard. They weren't even playing beer pong it was just some dirty plates and bills on the table! The girl sitting there is like "hey you wanna go to my house and have a bonfire?" and he looks at me. I tell him "ITS. UP. TO. YOU". He decides we should go. We get there and his two friends get out the car and I try to follow and he says wait. I'm like what?? And he starts kissing me. Fine enough til he takes my entire fucking mouth into his (Sound familiar?) and starts licking all over it. Yuck...he finally stops and goes from nibbling on my bottom lip to hoover vacuuming it off! I'm trying to lead and not let him have my bottom lip but the shit aint working. He stops kissing me to pull my boobs out and start sucking on em. I swear it felt like I was breast feeding a toddler with all their teeth. The amount of suction this man uses I was pretty sure he was going to suck my piercings clear the fuck out my nips. I tried to ease him off and he pushes me down and starts sucking on my neck hella hard. It felt good but I was NOT trying to have any hickies, so I told him be gentle. He wasn't listening yet again. Then he gets up on his knees and it looks like he's ready to whip it out "Oh hey whoa whoa whoa...I'm not having sex with you in a car." Everyone else is already at the bonfire I'm just tryna join. If his ass wanted to have sex already he should have just had them take us back to his spot! This cocky bastard thinks he can change my mind my licking and kissing on my stomach getting ready to go down on me and I'm like no I'm serious I'm not fucking you back here. We finally get out the car and I feel my lip. My lip was fucking swollen! That's how hard that man was sucking on it. It seriously looked like he popped me in the mouth. Anyways we get out just for his friends to get in and I swear it seemed like they had sex for forever and a day. It was cold outside, I was irritated, I just wanted to go home it was like 4 in the morning...finally they finished and we went back to his house. As if this night couldn't have gotten any fucking worse.

He asked if I wanted to come inside and I said yeah...how I wish I would've said no!!! His living room consisted of a fridge...and a big screen tv. The kitchen? A microwave and a HAMMOCK. The bedroom? A fucking pot farm. Mind you this was the warmest part of the house. SO I'm standing in the "kitchen" and he hops into the hammock (I can't even type this with a straight face) and he's like "c'mere". Sir. You are out of your FUCKING mind if you think I'm about wedge myself in that tiny as hammock with you. We went back and forth for about 5 minutes and then I noticed he wasn't wearing pants anymore! Are you fucking serious you were tryna get it in IN THE FUCKING HAMMOCK?!?!?!?! I go into the "bedroom and he follows me in wearing nothing but a long sleeve tee and some ankle socks..............................
He closes the door and starts with the hard kissing again and I could feel his dick poking me. I push him away to get a look at it. Very nice I must say. Not only was it long but that shit was soda can girthy. And cut!!! Yaaaay...for now at least...He picks me up and then lays me on the ground and pokes me with it. "Um...where's your condom?" and he just stares at me. Sir I'm being completely serious if you can't tell...SO he runs away an grabs one now let the sexing commence! At first I was on my back with my legs on his shoulders and I'm not gonna lie I ran like SHIT at first. Just um. A LOT. To take in...But that's where the joy ended. We switched positions and I was on all fours...and this man fucked me like a rabbit. He wasn't even going all the way in. I couldn't feel shit but his balls wacking me (This is just the nastiest feeling in life to me). I layed down on my stomach and he layed on top of me all in my ear talking about "This is mine, this pussy is mine" Sir.......................................just stop talking please. You couldn't even rent to own this shit. Thank you. It only got good when he went down on me, probably the only silver lining to this night, I got to ride his face and he ate it from the back, which was all I really wanted anyways. He asked me to "suck it", and I obliged just cause he went down on me so many times before. But I didn't like him or the sex so I really just half assed the shit. He kept putting his hands on my head (My biggest fucking pet peeve when I'm sucking dick. Let me do my damn job I don't need any type of encouragement from you!) and kept tryna ram his dick down my throat so much to the point I just pulled it out and told him I would bite his shit off the next time he did it. I had bits of marijuana leaves stuck to me, I was tired and annoyed so I tried to fake stomach cramps and dip. I quit I couldn't fake enjoying this shit any longer. When I start wondering when the fuck you're gonna nut I know it's time to tap out and strike it up as a loss. He looked a lil sad/pissed off but wtf ever. I got dressed and when I tried to grab my car key I didn't have it. I started frantically looking like a madwoman and came to the sad realization that when the man mauled me in the backseat it had to have slipped out my pocket and was in his friend's car in the next own over, 20 minutes away. I hopped right on the phone with my roadside assistance just for those bitches to tell me they can't send a locksmith because of my stupid ass chipped key ad the best they could do was tow me to a dealer where they wanted to charge me 200 bucks for a new fucking key. The whole time this bitch is apologizing (for me losing my key, not that wack ass sex >_
Needless to say I'm gonna pretend this night never happened.
Miss Sixxxty, your very own freak of the industryy