Return Of Puss In Boots

I knew he wasn't gonna stay away for long...
You don't have sex 4 consecutive times and then be like "No...we can't do this anymore."
So the following week after all the bullshit went down I told myself fuck him. I mean we weren't friends...and if we're not fucking...then what do I really need to talk to you for? I would be civil and respect the man in his house but that's about it. He was leaving to Mexico on Sunday so I only had to deal with him for a day IF that. I woke up early Saturday morning to charge my phone in the living room, not giving a shit about how I looked at that point and he pokes his head out his room. He tells me good morning and to please excuse his mess in the living room. I had my hair in my face and really didn't care to talk to him. I said morning and not worry about it, then went back to bed. Later that night my friend calls me and she's like "Hey, Puss In Boots wants to ask you something." I'm like what the fuck could he possibly want from ME?! She's like he needs a ride somewhere. This man has my phone number why didn't he call and ask me himself? I told her to tell him to stop being a weenie and to ask me himself. He gets on the phone all nervous asking me for a ride to a check cashing place since he had to be at the airport early in the morning. I told him I'd let him know in about 2 hours when I got off work. My friend messaged me on the under and told me that he was like "Oh man...I'm so tempted to fuck Autumn again (he still calls me by my stage name...) She was tempting me this morning". If I recall correctly I said like 4 words to him and didn't even make eye contact..? What kind of jezebel black magic was I using? But after she told me that I was like challenge accepted.

So I put on a fresh face of makeup and right before I was about to pick him up my friend was like "Oh SHE just came over" That ol' bald headed cock blocking ass bitch! Ever since that say she saw me laying on the couch she clearly felt some type of way. For weeks I didn't know she even existed then that day she saw me she decided to move in every weekend when I was there. You insecure tramp you are not slick I see what you did there. But then again, you have every right to be insecure. Hah. I mean the shit was her fault anyways telling him she wanted to "keep her options open". Well bitch he just happens to be doing the same. SO after she told me that I decided NOT to pick him up and work the rest of the night. Then he was off to Mexico that day.
I didn't see him that week because he was gone and I took the weekend off for Happenis. With the whole threesome sitchy Happenis and I decided to meet up in LA on Tuesday, but due to some bullshit on his part our plans crashed and burned. But FUCK I was expecting to get some dick that night and I wanted it. My friend and I ended up getting off work early and I told her I was going to sneak in his room and jump on his dick BUT we had to make sure that good ol' cock blocking Betty wasn't there. Sure enough she wasn't and my friend pushed me into his room while he was sleeping. He ended up waking up to the commotion and was asking what was going on. I apologized for waking him and went into the living room to watch tv and he got up and showered. He came out in a towel and robe and went into his room to change. BUT he left the door open while he was changing. Sneaky, sneaky! I told him I wasn't going to watch him to change but that what he was doing wasn't fair. After he got dressed he came into the living room and asked me if I wanted to smoke a bowl with him.........We all know how that goes. I took a hit and once again felt like my face was melting off. I got that nauseous feeling again and couldn't do anything but hug my feet to my chest and breathe. My legs started shaking and shit and I was acting all weird and he kept telling me I was fine, to calm down and it was gonna be okay. Then I started laughing at EVERYTHING. His other roommate was trying to sleep so we went into his room and he was talking about SOMETHING, but it was just funny. He was like "I feel like you're laughing at me" and I mean I was, but only because I was high. He walked over to me and pushed me back on the bed and was like there's a problem here. I didn't know what he was talking about until he started pulling my basketball shorts down telling me he didn't like them. He climbed on top of me for a minute and shot gunned me the last bowl he smoked, then started kissing my neck (fkiwbfueae;bcsanfnchwlhfalofh;p), licking up the side of my neck to my ear then biting my earlobe. He stuck his hands down my shirt and I could be crazy but I swear being high makes my nips extra sensitive. And the shit felt AMAZEBALLS. I had bought a big ass box of magnums earlier that day so I told him to grab them and we got down to business. He ate me out for a minute and before he put the condom he asked me to kiss it. No problem there. Then he asked me to play with his foreskin..................................................and I was just like umm.......how tf do I even do that? The fact that he wouldn't hold it back for me while I was trying to suck it was just.....it was like going over a fleshy speed bump. I didn't particularly like that shit...but I still did it anyways. God I hate foreskin...If I ever have a son I'm getting him snipped. Idgaf if his daddy isn't clipped I'm saving my baby a lot of trouble in the future.
Anyways he puts the condom on and he starts on top. He knows the value in foreplay so I was all ready to go. He was on top for a minute then whispered "You want me to hit it from the back?" Sir, you can hit it any which way you please. He flipped me and I had to stick my ass in the air so that he could hit my spot. I looked back at him briefly and he was thrusting with his hands on his hips lol. It looked funny but felt good so I wasn't about to judge. I threw it back a lil bit and then he came. He mumbled something about doing yoga, put on another condom and started stroking himself hard again. He was just like "fuck this, I'll just get hard in your pussy" Uh, okay. Lol. He put my legs on his shoulders then leaned all the way forward. My knees were by my ears and I was trying to figure out why he was the only guy that could get my legs all the way back without any pain. He asked me if I liked when he got hard inside me and I just pulled his hair. I wanted him to stop talking and to just fuck me lol. He stayed on top the entire time and I couldn't do anything but pull his hair and dig my nails into his back. He had his accent in full effect and my brain was just like hfjhfahefawo jeina fso;af soa;f a mush. He sat back up and put my hands on his waist so I could hold on to him and then BAM. Round two was over. Grabbed another condom and we had sex AGAIN. I think I had one more condom left in the room with me so after we finished the third time he was like lets wait til morning because morning sex is my favorite. Alright whatever you want. As I drifted off to sleep I was thinking mission accomplished.
We woke up the next morning and had sex two more times (we found another condom, woop woop) and I did the walk of shame back to my friends room. I knew he couldn't resist me it was just a matter of time. He hit me up later asking if we could be swingers and go to swingers parties, and I was just thinking "Swingers are couples...and we're not a couple...so...I'm confused" I was tryna figure out why that "friend" couldn't do it, but then I remember he has feelings for her or whatever, and I'm just LOADS of fun. So we can have al the kinky fun and she can have all that romantic shit. That weekend we had sex three more times...It would have been 4 had he let me take advantage of his morning wood, but he didn't :( He was in the process of moving so I understood. The last day in the apt he poked me in the ass with a broomstick to let me know I could still get the D. He just told me to hit him whenever and I made a mental note of it. Good to know you yummy little Columbian.

Good shit. Next blog I gotta tell you about The 4th Of July + Happenis + the tampon "incident" Most embarrassing shit ever.
Miss Sixxxty, your very own freak of the industryy

The Wait Is Over!!!

Yes!!!!!!!!!! After 6 long ass months of terrible sex............
HAPPENIS HAS RETURNED.
Look at God! But it wasn't all rainbows and sausages. No it wouldn't be right unless he threw a monkey wrench in my plans. So of course he hits me up when I'm at work 5 million miles away. And I swore to myself as soon as I came back home I was gonna take 6 months of frustration out on him. I think I ended up seeing him on a Tuesday night...I got to his house around 2:47ish, magnums in hand wearing the biggest smile ever. We walk to his room and he tells me "You're like a kid in a candy shop right now huh?" I was like how about you just stop talking and give me what I came here for. We get naked and I laid on my back ready for it. He puts the condom on and we literally have sex for like two minutes before he pulls out and tells me the MAGNUM condom I brought him was "too tight"...ol' girthy ass bastard. So I had to run out to the car - naked, mind you - grab some more and navigate his suuuper packed dark ass garage. I walked back into his room and he's just standing there in all his naked glory, dick pointing north like a compass. I couldn't help but smile again. This time I turned around so he could hit from he back and he's just slapping his dick on my ass laughing and he asked me if I was gonna blog about this. I asked him why he was even reading my blog since we haven't fucked in about 6 months.

"You know what I don't even wanna talk about this anymore it's making my dick soft."

Uh huh...but you brought it up. LOL anyways, he was kinda fumbling to get the condom on, and n the meantime I was like what should I do? I feel when it takes a guy too long to get the condom on it's kinda awkward. Like do I just lay there? Do I grab his balls? Do I roll onto my stomach and not make eye contact? WTF am I supposed to do?! He finally gets it on, slides in, and next thing I know, it's OVER. He said "You're already about to make me cum" and I pushed him away screaming "NO!!!!! STOP MOVING!!" but by the time I pushed him away it was too late. That NEVER happens!!! I couldn't do anything but punch him in the chest and get dressed. I told you guys his alcohol = his viagra. And if that means we can only have sex when he's drunk I'm absolutely fine with that. Cause that shit right there? Nah....I got back into my car at 3:04.
I took it upon myself to redo that night and act like that shit never happened. I planned on taking the following WEEKEND off from work to get thoroughly fucked. House to myself it was perfect.

FRIDAY NIGHT/SATURDAY MORNING
We usually have this booty call window between like 1-4 am when we can get it in, usually later when he's ending his night. I spent damn near 100 bucks on lingerie (corset, fishnets, the whole 9) my hair and makeup was done, everything. I was just sitting, waiting, in my full outfit for nothing basically. By 3:30 I was pissed because it was getting late, I basically wasted a night of makeup. I was starting to feel unappreciated and like clockwork he hit me up at 3:57. Drove over to where he was and instead of getting into the front seat he gets into the back. I'm like WTF?! Do you not see what I'm wearing?! You can't take in my sexiness in my backseat!!! So I got back there and tried to act fake mad when he shoved me between the front seats. I wasn't moaning or anything. Idk if he noticed or not, but he grabbed me and put me on my back. After he got on top it was like like bitch who are you fooling...just take the dick and enjoy it. So I did. I had to take off the corset tho...hurt too much to have sex in it in the car especially. While he was hitting from the back my phone went off and he was like "Oh you called other guys tonight before you called me huh? You tryna see other guys? Go ahead answer it. Pick that shit up" and I was just like "its not importaaaaaaaaaant. It's not important OH GOD" The entire time he's hitting me with those deep ass death strokes. I swear we come up with the weirdest positions in the backseat.

-both his feet on either head rest, me standing out the sunroof
-shoved between the front seats with my feet on the back seats while he stands straight up out the sunroof
-car door open with me on my side one hand on the ground while he's on top
-feet on the seat, hands around his neck while he takes over
-back on the front seat, legs on either side of him, holding on to the sun roof for leverage

He sat down and I rode him reverse cowgirl while I stuck out the sunroof. Every time I slowed down he'd yell at me like "Oh is that all you got? *slap* no you stick it in if you want it *slap, slap* Don't slow down you keep going" Yeah, yeah, keep it up. Me likey. We ended up out the car in this strange ass neighborhood with dogs walking around and shit, cars driving by, sun coming up...on my hands and knees he pushed my back down and grabbed my arms behind me like reigns. My face was damn near in the gutter but I didn't care because THAT'S what I had been waiting for for the last 6 months. He was asking me how much did I miss his dick (a lot) and how long I waited for him (Forfuckingever). It was what I wanted: choking, hair pulling, ass slapping, deep strokes...He pulled out and came on my ass, slapped my ass and said "You're welcome". Smug ass lol. I went to the trunk to get my towel so he could wipe me down, then I noticed sometime during the course of our fucking he threw my glasses out the window! And he claims he doesn't even remember doing it. But that didn't matter because it was time for tacos. On the way he acknowledged he likes to drunkenly confess his love for me, so at least I know he might mean it a little, but to take it with a grain of salt.
Anyways we were talking about work and he tells me

"Look. I have a hundred dollar bill in my room. I'm gonna go to the bank and cash it for singles. Then the next time we fuck while I'm fucking you doggy style I'm gonna be slapping your ass and I'm gonna make it rain on your back saying 'Alright alright alright you gon learn today'. And we're gonna get it all on camera"

Sounds amazing right? I had to call him out on his bullshit tho. We just went back and forth with our "uh huhs" & "nu uhs" and he decided to make it a bet. If he actually did it we'd have a threesome. If he didn't, well I still got my dick so who cares. So this was all supposed to take place that night. Dropped him off, and drove home. By now, the sun was up, and the yard sale crowd was up. And or course the night that I don't wear pants my neighbors just HAD to have a damn yardsale. I don't even think I had shoes on. I snatched my silky robe and wrapped it around my waist and prayed my parents were still sleep because how the fuck would I explain why I look like a freshly fucked burlesque dancer? Fortunately I slipped in unnoticed and knocked the fuck out.

SATURDAY NIGHT/SUNDAY MORNING
Now the chick in question basically looks like the hotter version of me and she happens to be my friend so I felt some type of way about having a threesome with her. But I felt like he wouldn't hold up his part of the agreement anyways. Once again 3:30ish am comes around and he's like "its time". I picked him up from the taco shop and  we ended up going back to his house because my parents never left. He turned off the lights and he actually put on music without me having to ask him! He got naked, laid on the bed and I sat on top of him. He licked my nipples and he was asking me why I got my boobs so big. I was like what, you don't like them? He's like nope they're fine...kept on squeezing and licking. He slowly slid in and placed my hands on the wall. The faster he went the less leverage I had so I put my hands back on his chest. "No you put your fucking hands back on the wall" Whatever you say sir. At one point my head was hanging off the edge of the bed and I had one leg around his waist and the other on his shoulder and he was asking me if I was gonna tell my friends about this. Yes, but not how you want me to. LOL. Then he flipped me over like a krabby patty and placed his hands on the small of my back so that the only time I could breathe was when he thrusted. Made me sounds like a damn gorilla *GRUNT, GRUNT, GRUNT, FUUUUUUCK, GRUNT* Everything was kind of a pleasurable blur. Next thing I knew he pushed me away, said "gimme that face* and I sucked him while he finished. Pretty sure I had more ON my face than in my mouth, but whatever. I wiped some off with my hands and was like LOOK!!! Then I licked it off and he laid on the bed. So I climbed back on top and we sat there listening to music, he was looking thru my phone at my pictures, asking me who would be calling me at 5 in the morning (from the night before). Then every time I tried to answer he'd slap me on the ass. Finally I just pinned him down cause it was starting to hurt lol. Then we passed out.

JUST TO BE AWAKEN by his punk ass friend (the one we had the "threesome" with) and some bitch like 2 1/2 hours later. And he wonders why I don't like him. What a terrible fucking way to end such a perfect night. Like I know they saw me laying there. When you see your friend has company you fucking say sorry and remove yourself from the room. Not these rude ass bitches. Needless to say I was NOT happy. The girl's excuse was that they called before they came. But his phone was dead so he didn't answer. Him not answering does not give you the fucking right to barge into his room!!! I went back home, said good morning to my mother, walked by a mirror, saw dried cum on my chin. FAIL.
But I must say, for taking off the entire weekend, it was def fucking worth it.

Next up: The return of Puss In Boots.
Miss Sixxxty, your very own freak of the idustryyy

WTF Am I Even Doing...

I no longer know what the fuck I'm doing with my life.
Every time I wanna do something special it falls thru.
Every time I go that extra mile it goes unnoticed.
Every time I wanna see you I get ignored.

This fucking sucks. I need a boyfriend. Asap.
One that will kiss my legs. And cook me scrambled eggs lol.
And I will fuck him blind. And feed him sammitches and gatorade.
Fair enough. At least I think.

Time to peel off the war paint.
Miss Sixxxty, your very own freak of the industryyy (and stop reading my blogs sir)

I Need An Adam Sackler.

One night I stumbled upon HBO's Girls OnDemand. And I fell in love after the first episode. The season finale? They played my ratchet girl anthem "Yankin'" by Lady. At a WEDDING. I especially fell in love with title character Hannah Horvath's (Lena Dunham) love interest Adam Sackler (Adam Driver). He is like Happenis reincarnate. The guy I kinda wish he was. But isn't. Oh well. But he's like perfect. I'm still mad I have yet to see his dick but I've seen her dad's old ass balls...It would suck if I'm fantasizing about this man and he has a peepee...He's a nymphomaniac and an alcoholic (I could do without the latter but I'm not judging). He says random hilarious shit whenever him and Hannah have sex, which reminds me so much of HIM. And the gay part is after complaining about her "boyfriend" in her head not appreciating her she actually gets the guy! And the ungrateful bitch just backs down! As if he was merely a plot in her book. I would fucking KILL to be in her position as much as I hate to admit it. And I hate to admit that I'm in love with a fucking television character:( He is far from perfect which makes him so perfect. I don't want the McDreamy, who knows all the right things to say, who wants to make tender love to me all the time. I need the Adam, who will cuss right back at me, who will argue with me, and who will pee on me in the shower (and I would actually find it funny). I want him to call me "Kid" instead of "babe". I need a weirdo type romance.I want to role play weirdo situations, like scolding him as I watch him jack off in front of me. I don't want the fairy tale story book romance. I need THIS. I wish he was a real person. I'd go find him and tie him to the bed for three days just cause I feel like it. It seems they always end their conversations with "Alright let's go fuck". I want that!!!! And now that the season ended with Adam seemingly breaking up with Hannah (the weirdo in me wants him to be single; the sane part knows if that happens he may not be on the show much longer). Like before Hannah left one day he grabbed her face and was like "Quit tryna kiss me, don't kiss me...d'aaaaaah okay" and kissed her. It was cute. HE is cute. She can yell at him and pour out her heart and all he wants to do is fuck her because her yelling was turning him on. I am a fucking loon.

Which brings me to wonder: Can long term booty calls lead to long term relationships? Adam and Hannah were fucking for 6 months and finally her whining made something happen. And they seemed pretty happy. If you've been fucking the same person for a year plus, what's stopping you from being with them? You obviously like them enough to keep coming back a year later. You're both (hopefully) single. You have fun when you guys hang out and do other things besides have sex. If she can cook, keep a clean house, is good with kids, and has shown you that she is just an overall good woman, then what is truly stopping you? I feel like you can't let the fact that she fucked you on the first night so long ago or that this was strictly supposed to be casual stop you from trying. There's nothing worse than asking yourself what if. You could have been going through a string of failed relationships over the course of your "fucklationship" with the other girl, looking for that perfect girl, when she may have been under your nose the entire time. And if during that time you have yet to have a successful relationship, there really can't be any harm in just trying right? Worst case scenario it doesn't work out, and you guys can break up. And it's finished.
All I'm saying is, if you have a legit reason, then fine. But if the only thing stopping you a year later is "She fucked me on the first night" then you're stupid. And you might as well give it a go. Shit.

But anyways in order to understand why I love Adam so much you would have had to have watched the show. For those who haven't seen it, I sat thru 5 hours of reruns just to give you my favorite Adam-isms. In order.

"It gives me the freedom that I don't have to be anyone's slave. You should never be anyone's FUCKING slave. Except mine."

Adam: Lay on your stomach...grab your legs.Okay this is good. I'm gonna go get some lube...When I get back I want you in the exact same position. Just with the rest of the shit off.
Hannah: Will you get a condom?
Adam: I'lllllllllll...consider it!


Adam: Yeah you like that?
Hannah: I like it. I like everything you're doing.
Adam: I knew when I found you you wanted it this way
Hannah: Found me where?
Adam: In the street. Walking alone.
Hannah: We didn't met in the street we met at a party. Oh i got it- the street yeah walking the street.
Adam: You were a junkie. You were only 11. And you had your fucking cabbage patch lunch box
Hannah: Yeah and I was really scared when I saw you.
Adam: Fuck. You're a dirty little whore and I'm gonna send you home to your parent's covered in cum.
Hannah: Oh don't do that they're gonna be so angry.
Adam: Where do you want me to cum? face? pretty little tits? tummy? touch yourself!
Hannah: Where?
Adam: You know fucking where. From now on you have to ask my permission when you wanna cum. If you're touching yourself and you think you're gonna cum you better fucking call me first.
*post orgasm* You want a gatorade? 
(sounds like something I'd do. I wanna do this)


Hannah: What do you normally do?
Adam: I do......what I'm told....*grunt, grunt, pant, pant, thrust*


Hannah: We always use condoms.
Adam: Do we?
Hannah: Yeah. We used one last night.
Adam: Oh yeah, I guess we do. That's probably why it takes me 25 years to nut whenever I have sex with you.
(reminds me of the "I think you have a million of my kids swimming inside you right now" convo)

"Ooooooh you look awesome. Come the fuck upstairs. But wait. I have to warn you about something. If you come up here I'm gonna tie you up to my bed for at least three days cause I'm just in that kinda mood" (do it!!)


"These things (Fwb) have an expiration date. Six months, or until someone stops having fun...It's a bummer, but people do outgrow each other." ( :/ )


"Does it turn you on...to watch me touch my own cock?"


"Okay kid will do, I miss you. I wish you were here right now. I saw your name earlier on my phone and I was like where the fuck is that girl...I wish she was here right now..."


"You don't wanna know me. You wanna come over in the night and have me fuck the dog shit out of you and then you wanna leave and write about it in your diary. You don't wanna know me." (!!!!!!!!)


“Look kid, I don’t know what you want from me. Do you want me to be your boyfriend? Is that it?! Do you want me to be your fucking boyfriend?!” (yes. yes I do.)



Hannah: If you don't like ice cream what do you like?
Adam: I like you.


"I promised myself that I would follow my gut. No matter what. And I do what makes me feel good"


 "Yo skank where you at? Getting that pussy pounded? (it's my sister)"


"Don't waste time on guilt, Hannah. Holding onto toxic relationships is what keeps us from growing. You're blooming every time you shed a layer. Even closer to yourself."


"Jesus kid, save your strength. We're in it for the long haul."


“If you wanna fuck me from behind, at least put my hair back.”


Adam: You love yourself so much so why is it so crazy that someone else would too?
Hannah: I don’t love myself.
Adam: You’re the fucking worst. You know that? Because you think you’re not pretty. And you’re not a good writer. And you’re not a good friend. Well, you are pretty. And you are a good writer. And you are a good friend.
Hannah: Well thank you.
Adam: Is this the game? You chase me like I’m the fucking Beatles for six months and then I finally get comfortable and you shrug? What the FUCK is wrong with you?!
Hannah: I’m scared okay? I’m really scared all the time. I’m like very scared all the time.
Adam: Join the fucking club.
Hannah: No. Because I’m more scared than most people are when they say that they’re scared. I’m like the most scared person who’s alive.
Adam: Well you don’t have the right to be. I told you once I really commit to something I really fucking commit! You asked for this. And now your being a fucking bitch.
Hannah: Adam, come on. OK. you’re scared. I’m looking at you, I know your scared. You’re acting like you’re not but you are. I know you now we’ve been doing this for a while, I know you now.
Adam: Stop! Stop! You don’t know me! You don’t know shit about me!
Hannah: Get out of the street!
Adam: You don’t know me and you don’t know yourself. You think because you're, what, 11 pounds overweight you know struggle?
Hannah: I am 13 pounds overweight and it has been awful for me my whole life!
Adam: Holy fucking shit! Here’s the world smallest tiny violin playing My Heart Bleeds for You! Fuck you! You don’t know struggle. I’m a beautiful fucking mystery to you.

"You wish I had a fucking concussion...no, NO! Family only. Family only right? *looks at medic*  Op family only you're not my fucking family. Don't let her in she's a monster."

And if you don't love Adam after reading ALL my favorite quotables, well then fuck you too more for me! But you can see the development in the character with just these quotes. Maybe I love him so much because this is the person I want Happenis to become. Maybe I like him because he's attractive. Maybe I just have a thing for skinny athletic built assholes. The world may never know.

"I have to warn you. The first time I fuck you I may scare you a little. Because I'm a man. And I know how to do things."
(That wasn't an Adam quote, it was some other dude, but you see why I love this fucking show)
Miss Sixxxty, your very own freak of the industryyy

I Am The "A-Ha Moment" Bitch

Here we go again...
Just to snowball of the blog I wrote the other day, I have realized something. I am a "fantasy" girl. And I'm going to try to write this in the most humble way possible but I already know it's going to sound cocky as shit. THAT'S NOT MY ANGLE OKAY!!! What I mean is, there will be a guy who is in a good relationship, and I might come in at a point where it's rocky, or he just may be a complete dumb ass and just wanna try cheating. I'm the fun party girl type, I'm pretty, I dance, I'm sexually liberated/open, I mean as far as sex goes I'm a pretty damn good catch. The girlfriend just may lack one or more of these things which is why the dude is tempted my way. I don't lure these men in, it just seems I attract taken men more often than not. Anyways, if they hang around me long enough they're eventually going to try something. Back in the day when I was just a wee lass and learning how to properly use my shit I rally gave no fucks if a guy had a girlfriend. Because I felt I was single and it wasn't my problem. If I knew your man wanted to fuck me and I wanted him I would do it and not even feel bad. That was high school shit. I've grown up a bit more, polished my game, and (knowingly) taken men are off the menu. Homewrecking days are over (although I never knew if any of the guys girlfriends ever found out about me) the thrill just isn't there anymore. I get low key disgusted when men try to mess with me knowing they have a girlfriend it's like really dude? And when I know he's taken I don't even give him the time of day. Keep it movin' suga.
But anyways, as I got older I started noticing a certain type of dude. I've come across him a couple times which is too damn many if you ask me. What happens is they'll talk a big game, tell me all the shit they wanna do to me, and then when shit goes down they realized "Oh shit I'm in waaaay too deep" (No pun intended lol) and realize they've just fucked up. And most 0of the time I won't even know until after.

EXAMPLE NUMERO UNO
The first time it happened it was with this guy I went to high school with sending me a random AIM, which was weird cause I had stopped using it in high school, but I guess it still sent the messages to my phone when I was signed out. We talked back and forth for a couple days and would occasionally talk about sex. He told me he had a girlfriend I'm pretty sure, because he would talk about how she doesn't want to sleep with him, or how he wanted to have sex cause he was SOOOOO horny and I suggested he go and fuck his girlfriend. Idk but the sexual tension built up and finally we met up one night. I landscaped beforehand and showed up to his house. When he came outside to get me the first thing I thought was "oh my...someone has put on a little weight..." but I was already there so I went inside. We sat and talked for a minute then I think he kissed me, and I just remember him going down on me A LOT. Finally I was just like fuck it let's have sex RIGHT NOW. His pants were still on and I asked him to take them off. He told me to do it for him and I swear to god...his peepee was so small I just wanted to pull them back up. I just looked at his feet so he wouldn't see my face. Like I know you're a little guy, I get that, but that doesn't mean you have to be little all over!

SIDEBAR: Hand jobs. Would imply the use of four fingers and a thumb. What do we call it when I can only use two fingers and a thumb? A finger job? A pinch job? Suggestions?

So I tried messing with his lil peepee, then we 69'd for a bit, but his little peepee just would not hold blood. When he finally got a lil tiny bit of an erection, he put on the condom but went back soft as soon as he tried to stick it in. We finally just called it a night, and while I was driving home he sent me something along the lines of how much he loved his girlfriend, and he couldn't get it up because he kept thinking about her, and how he's so happy I made him realize that. I was just pissed cause I shaved for some bullshit. I wasn't tryna talk, I wasn't tryna be all like "Oh, I'm glad I could help" or none of that shit. Look,k you little peepee ass boy, we are done here. No more talking!!! He even started talking crazy like "Oh my god I want to marry her! Do you think I should propose to her?" Jigga WHAT? I am not your best friend I do not fucking know! After that I tried ignoring him and he still kept hitting me up like nothing happened, so I had to let him know I didn't wanna be his friend because we were never really friends in the first place and he needed to go away. Fuck. Then he vanished thankfully. But damn.

EXAMPLE NUMERO DOS
Then we have the Piss In Boots sitchy, which already confirmed what I already kinda knew. That the "friend" was more than a friend to him, he loved her, and blah blah blah he felt so guilty after she showed up when I left that he didn't even fuck her that night...He texted me and apologized for being disrespectful in his ignoring me, and how he was thinking with his dick and he didn't understand what he was getting himself into, that I still have to drink those juicer concoctions and how he'll still buy me lunch next time "just no bedroom festivities". UGH!!!!!!!!!!!! Keep your money man...I told him what I was looking for, he talked a bunch of shit, then realized he wasn't with the shit! In both these situations I never forced them to have sex with me they were the ones who wanted it! If I'm not sure about sleeping with someone (here's a crazy idea) I DON'T GO THOUGH WITH IT! Why am I smart enough to delegate who I can and cannot sleep with, but these men aren't? Most of these characteristics, tendencies, and feelings are associated with women right? But these are MEN with PENISES. I am the most emotionally detached in these situations, and it's fucking annoying to have to deal with a dude and his feelings. That's not what the fuck I signed up for I made that clear before you stuck your dick in me didn't I? I don't want your money, your lunch, or your healthy hippie drinks. Just say hello and good bye to me and we can keep the shit civil. It just makes me wonder if ANY of the things we talked about yesterday were even genuine or if in his mind he was just trying to game me up. Guess I'll never know cause I'm not gonna ask him.
Having sex with me four times then having the "friend" show up made him feel guilty and finally admit to the feelings he had for her. The sad part is I don't think she wants to even be monogamous, but hey, if he likes it I love it. I just don't think it's the wisest decision to withhold your seed for one person when they clearly don't seem to have a problem spreading it all over town. But what in the fuck do I know right?
I just wonder what would've happened had I not gone out to get food and condoms and the "friend" walked in to see me sprawled out like a naked beached whale on his bed. Pretty sure I'd be the "What Now?" bitch. The "What Now?" bitch is the girl who will be in the middle of having sex with a guy, his girl walks in and sees what's going on, storms out, and he chases after her either semi or completely nude, and you're left alone and naked in the room going "...What now?" Talk about fucking awkward...
From now on before I jump in bed with someone I'm just gonna ask if they are emotionally invested in someone, if they're sure they want to do this, and if they're lying and they feel bad after to go lay on a therapist's chaise lounge cause I don't wanna hear that shit. 

Man...for all these dudes having these A-Ha I love her moments I should be charging for my services....
Miss Sixxxty, your very own freak of the industryy

Big Papi aka Puss In Boots

Oh. My. God. My sex life is in shambles I do not fucking understand why it is so hard for me to find a damn reliable fuck buddy. No strings attached sex should be fucking easy to do, there shouldn't be any fucking complications. How hard can it possibly be to have some fun casual drama free sex? Happenis is a terrible fuck buddy. And I obviously don't mean the sex is bad, I just mean in terms of being my person.

QUALITIES OF A GOOD FUCK BUDDY
Our biggest problem used to be the distance. Now that he's back,k it's become the schedule. Before he left I would get some once a week, once every other week, and it wasn't delegated simply to the weekends. I could get some during the middle of the week. Now that I work a million miles away on the weekends, that seems to be the only time he wants some. God forbid I ask him to fuck me during the week I just get ignored til Friday when I'm working and can't do anything about it. A good fuck buddy needs to be flexible. Put out when I ask and I'll do the same. We can't always be on your schedule. I'm not about to sit here twiddling my thumbs waiting on your text because your timing SUCKS. It also makes me feel like a last resort when you only hit me up in a blue moon like "oh well I know she's gonna be there" when clearly I'm NOT. I've had the same schedule for over a year now the shit hasn't changed. It's like he doesn't care, which I'm pretty sure he doesn't, but STILL.
The dick has got to be CRACK. It needs to be good otherwise, why would I come back?
The sex has to be consistent. Like I said earlier, none of that once in a blue moon shit. If we're only going to have sex one day a week can we have sex more than once that day? PLEASE?! Shit!!!I need dick on a regular basis to keep me sane. You have all these dudes talking about how they can last for hours and how they want it all the time too, but when shit gets real you realize they were never about this life! I end up getting cheated on something that was promised to me when I figure out they can't deliver. Which brings me to this next dude.

SIR PUSS IN BOOTS
I've always told myself I needed to find an out of town fuck buddy, especially since the majority of my time out of town consists of working and eating. I needed to squeeze a lil' fun in there. Customers are always off limits, and I don't wanna meet someone while I'm stuffing my face...so what's left? Well, the girl I stay with when I go had this Colombian roommate. He was kinda cute, real hipster like, but I never saw him much due to my schedule. Listening to him talk when I was trying to sleep was kinda funny, but cute cause usually whatever he was talking about he'd be really passionate about it. Anyways, I started doing little stuff here and there, whether it was lotioning my legs in the living room, wearing yoga pants, ect. And I knew he took notice. Eventually he started asking about when I'd be coming down and whatnot, and one morning when I got in he was up waiting asking me if I was okay and if I needed a pillow or anything. One day I dozed off on the couch and he was getting ready to take my flip flops off and prop my feet on the couch so I'd be comfortable. Awww!
BUT!!! This was all while he had a "friend" over. And this "friend" walked into the house one morning like she lived there, and didn't leave til AFTER I had left. And this "friend" also held him hostage the entire weekend. I only saw him when she was sleep. I thought it was his girlfriend but he claims otherwise...okay sir. Whatever makes you feel better.
So this past weekend I ended up coming a day earlier than usual, and was up early. He got up (and surprise surprise the "friend" isn't homeless she actually went back to her house!) and we hung out. He's obsessed with juicing and would not leave me alone until I tried his juicing "creation", which tasted like a gallon of sweet cum. I like my juice thin and non-pulpy please. Then he invited me to join him for lunch at this cafe around the corner. So we walked and talked and he threw in that he thought my body was ridiculous (thanks, I know lol). We ordered lunch that I ended up paying for because he forgot his debit card (If you're reading this (which I know you are) you still owe me 10 bucks.) and went back home. He asked me a lot of sex related questions, and I made it clear I was only looking for fun right now, nothing serious, and that I need good consistent dick. He made it out to be he wasn't attached, so I was like cool. We're still running our mouths when we get back and my friend who wasn't up yet told us to keep it down. So we went in his room and she texts me "okay now you can kiss lol" but I kept telling myself no, I wasn't gonna do it.  Then he was like, come take a hit with me. Whyyyy did I do that?! First hit was fine, took half by myself, and he shotgunned me the other. Then I took one bowl straight to the face which may not seem like much to you potheads, but for someone who doesn't smoke...MAN. I couldn't even hold it in as soon as I inhaled I had to let it go. It was like my face was exploding and sliding off my skull. I felt so fucking nauseous that I couldn't do anything but sit in the window sill and wait for it to happen. Luckily I didn't, but I was BEYOND high after that. I couldn't keep my eyes open, I could barely keep my head up. I don't even remember what we talked about after that. I remember he took a picture to show me how squinty my eyes were (my face looks bloated af) and he went thru my pics. He popped in a movie and sat on the bed next to me, and I remember talking about being tense. He sat me between his legs and started massaging my back. He told me it wasn't tense and then said something about carrying a lot of tension in my thighs. so he started massaging those too, and then he touched my boobs and it was a wrap. The weed made my nips ultra sensitive so from that point it was kinda just like aaaaaaah take it. He climbed on top and kissed me, then my neck (duhikfediafgheruifegbfd) then my ears and back to my neck. Then we were naked. Everything was kinda just a blur, but I remember, legs on the shoulders, "how do you like it baby", more kissing, me on top, then from the back then done. It was so funny to me, maybe cause I was high, but he normally talks like your average skater from SoCal, but I swear when he was talking to me during sex either his accent came out or he was speaking in Spanish, hence why I call him Puss In Boots. That's exactly how I remember him sounding lol. And that was only round one. He apologized for it being so short and he was trying to find another condom. Oh hey! I have four in the car!  I thought it would be a good idea to walk outside to grab them. WRONG! I was walking outside touching my mouth and chin like a damn retard trying to act like I just didn't get fucked, then thought about how I must look to other people and started laughing to myself. Then thought "Ma'am, you look like a damn crackhead just laughing to yourself walking down the street with condoms in your hand" and that made me laugh harder. SO I ran to the door to get back inside before someone called the police. Back inside, we had sex three more times, with each consecutive sesh being longer than the last. I remember I was on my back, and he stood on his knees in front of me and asked me to kiss it. This was the first time I noticed he trimmed & was thick :D and that he wasn't circumcised :O (I'm noticing this a lot more lately......ugh). I was so stoned I couldn't even lift my hands to pull the skin back or to even add to the experience, so I just did a whole lot of tongue flips to try and make up for it. He seemed to like the Triangle of Pleasure in my mouth. That's what I named my tongue rings in case you were wondering. At one point he had me in a chair next to the paper thin wall that separates his room from my friends, and with the surfboard hitting the wall, and me trying to be a nice house guest by being as quiet as possible it was actually kinda hard. The sex was actually pretty decent, and he doesn't mind a lil foreplay which is CRUCIAL these days. When we finished we just kinda laid there, he took my phone and saved his number under "Big Papi", talked about needing to do yoga before he fucks me again, and some other shit. I remember him taking a picture of me laid across the bed. He said I looked sexy, I felt like a beached fucking whale. Now that I think about it, I wonder if he still has that picture. I wish common sense had kicked in and not agreed to do the shit.l But I was like yessssssssss, I found me some out of town peen, and he can go round for round, and I'm here every weekend finally some good consistent dick FOR THE MOTHERFUCKING WIN!!!!!

...that was until two and a fucking half hours later, after I had gotten dinner and more condoms when I came back and saw the "friend" was back. And he ignored me after that. No more asking if I needed a pillow, no more hanging around when she was sleep, nothing. I'm thinki8ng to myself like dude, you have that bitch in your bed less than two hours after you fucked me FOUR times?! Is the wet spot even dry yet?! Once again she held him hostage doing whatever it was that they do and I was just confused the rest of the weekend.
From what my friend told me was he's tryna get over the "friend" cause he knows the "friend" fucks other guys. Well shit sir caught up on your ex still I can get you passsssst it! Like it was a perfect set up. I come here every weekend, I need sex all the time and you seemed more than willing to put out IT'S A SURE FUCKING THING. But no, alas he wasn't about that life, which I kinda knew, but then again I was so high I didn't even care. I was irritated that she was there, but more mad at the fact that I knew I wasn't gonna be getting any more dick on this visit. I had a box of magnums just staring at me, taunting me. The rest of the weekend was torture cause all I kept thinking about was how horny I was and how bad I wanted her to leave so I could continue fucking him. Giving a nympho a taste of good dick is like a damn death sentence.
Something that also confused me was the whole "I'm gonna ignore her even if the "friend" isn't around" thing. He either really likes her deep down and felt like he may have cheated and felt guilty and THAT'S why he ignored me...or something. I mean he obviously liked it enough to keep doing it, and before he had no problem talking to me when she was around, so it's like what the fuck gives now? I know I didn't force him to do anything, especially because he initiated it every time.I told him I don't catch feelings, I just want dick. Idk...I do feel low key disrespected though because he didn't even wait for his dick to get soft before she came back around. All I will say is I would never bring two dudes I'm fucking around one another because it's messy. One is bound to feel neglected and they go away, and I would probably want to keep both around, and make them both think they're the best. But hey, that's just me. I just wonder how this is all going to play out in the weeks to come...

At least he can say he's fucked a black girl now.
Miss Sixxxty, your very own freak of the industryy

Never Have I Ever...

...been rejected before. In my life. Until the other night.Happenis Jr. certainly was a damn spot on nickname.

So a little bit of background on him. I was set up on a semi blind date with a retard and Happenis Jr. gave me a shot of gin and ended up chatting me up more than my so called "date" and we ended up exchanging numbers. We would text throughout the day when he talked me thru my first hangover (which was THEE worst; I never get hangovers. Idk what went wrong that night) and I went to visit him at work (upon his request, I wouldn't just "pop up" outta nowhere). We made plans to hang out again that night. Go to a party, drink a lil bit, and he invited me back to his house to go cuddle. Little did I know that's really all he wanted to do:/ We did a lot of that, and it felt nice to not have to sleep alone...although there wasn't any making out. He did, however, enjoy my ass. a LOT. He kissed it, bit it, and stuck his face in it lol. Guys are weird. He then goes on and on about how he's never been with a black girl before and how pretty I am and whatnot, just complimenting me all night.
Anyhow, we hung out again another night and he actually got me to take a hit off a bong and it was a lot better than that time with The Carnie. We watched cartoons and I thought Drawn Together was the funniest show ever invented. He had to be at work early the next morning so he said it was time for bed. I tried seducing him, but nothing. Fail. We hung out again and THIS time we played some old school Sega Dreamcast, and he proceeded to kick my ass in all these games I had never even heard of (except Tetris). After we finished, he suggested I do shrooms. Sir, hell no. Weed is my limit with you. He was trying to explain all the good things shrooms do to you but I wasn't impressed. So he was like "Well you should try wax". I've heard of it but I don't know exactly how they make it or anything, and he was like it's healthier than smoking actual grass. He could've just been talking out his ass but I thought I'd try it. He was like "Let's do it naked". Sure why not. We strip down and take a hit. I got a small one so it didn't do TOO much...but  I knew I'd be hungry so I suggested we get some grub before I get too fucked up to drive. We got dressed then he made me take another hit, this time it was bigger. 'If you don't feel anything after this you're fucking immune to weed cause I just gave you a fat ass hit". Nothing happened until I started driving down the street. All of a sudden my whole body felt weird and the lights were blending together. I thought I was floating away! We get to the drive thru and I order the food and everything was all good til I pulled up to the window. I saw the drive thru employee dude and fucking LOST IT. I couldn't stop laughing for shit. Every time I looked over I laughed. Happenis Jr. kept asking me what was wrong with me and I just kept screaming "I DON'T KNOW DON'T LOOK AT ME!!!!!" It was so bad I couldn't even pull my debit card out my wallet. After struggling a bit I got it out but couldn't put it back in so I just stuck it between my legs. When th guy handed us our food I lost it again and couldn't move. I had to tell him to grab the food between laughing fits and he just kept asking what was wrong with me. The drive thru guy had to have been annoyed with me but I couldn't even explain what was going on without laughing. Happenis Jr. just made a smoking motion and the guy started laughing at me.We get back to his house and I just fucking demolished that ultimate bacon cheeseburger (hold the cheese). I went to go put on the movie again and so while I'm bent over he's just rubbing on my ass, slowly working his hands under my shorts and I look back at him and tell him he's supposed to be naked. He takes his clothes back off and goes on about how he trimmed his man bush (I wish it was completely gone but I hadn't shaved in like four days so ehh...) and then he shows me he's uncut by stuffing his peen into the foreskin. I told him with the most serious face ever not to do that shit again. He goes on telling me how keyed I am and I don't remember how or when I just remember being really wet. So I kinda straddled him, then got off and asked if I could get something out of his drawer.

"As long as it's not weed or cash."

I grabbed a condom and tossed it to the side of the bed. You know, just in case. He got up and then while he was on his knees just kinda wedged himself between my legs as if he wanted to do something but was hesitating. He was rubbing on my legs and asking me things I really can't remember and then he asked if my hood had any scars from having my piercing ripped out. I told him everything down there looks the same and that my vag wasn't purple like he thought so he goes oh let me see! I seriously felt like I was getting a pap the way he was down there examining. He told me I had a Mexican girl vag..whatever that means...then he laid down and told me I was gonna kiss and rub on him and I was like hmm...So I got on top of him and started caressing his arms a bit, then I kissed him and he didn't kiss me back. Odd. Finally enough of the games I asked him for some. He asked if I wanted his peen and I nodded. Then he asked if that's what I grabbed out the drawer and I nodded again. So he tells me to put it on. I was still a little too high and it was dark so he put it on instead and I rode him. It was all good til I got off wanting to switch positions. Then everything went to hell. He starts telling me he's sleepy ad he has work early in the morning. At first I thought he was joking, but he kept saying it over and over and I'm like look you aren't going to sleep. He gets up and starts rambling about how he's not supposed to be having sex and I'm thinking he's gonna start saying it's for religious reasons but no he starts talking about how he wants to "stay clean, no offense to you". And he starts telling me he doesn't really wanna have sex and that he just wants to be friends. I rolled over and kept saying "I understand" when I really had no idea what the fuck just happened. He asks if I'm mad at him. "Nope." and he gets up telling me I made him all wt and he goes to the bathroom. I should've made my break for it then but I was siting in a daze. Did that really just happen? I put my shorts back on and went to sleep. We didn't even cuddle that night.
The next morning I got up and got dressed and when he came back from the bathroom he was like "Oh you're ready to leave?" No shit. I didn't look him in the eyes and gave him a half assed hug before I drove away. I just wanted to cry. I know I washed my ass before I got there, and I barely had any hairs growing...Where the fuck did I go wrong? I know I wasn't being too aggressive, and he was sending me all kinds of hints, not to mention he wasn't complaining when I was on top! So where did all that other shit come from?! "Stay clean" mf'er we were using condoms wtf?! I'm still puzzled. He had invited me to a reggae show the next night and I had completely forgot. I probably would've still blown it off anyways had I remembered. I mean maybe he thought I would catch feelings if we continued? Honestly I only wanted you for sex and if we aren't having sex...then I really have no use for you, do I? The reggae show was at 9, and he called me at like 4:30 in the morning. I didn't answer...wonder what he wanted...

Someone enlighten me as to what the fuck went wrong.
Miss Sixxxty, your very own freak of the industryy