He Want That...Cake Cake Cake ...

‘Ello babes and gents. I know everyone has been wondering where the fuck I’ve been for the past month or so…and the answer is…not doing shit. I started working at a different club in LA and I make a lot more money out there which is good…my sex life low key sucks but what else Is new…and we had a birthday! (the blog not me). And to celebrate I’d figure I’d just write til my fingers fall off.  

BABY MAMA DRAMA
I hate being involved in baby mama drama, especially when I’m not even that involved with the guy the bitch is going crazy over. I remember this one time in the back back days where this guy was hitting me up trying to hang out and I found out the day we hung out was two days after his baby mama had their kid! Look up "triflin’" in the dictionary I bet you’d see his face! But I don’t wanna talk about the dudes I wanna talk about the girls. I’m in this situation and I don’t know what direction I should go in. So there’s obviously this guy, and we’re just cool friends. Anyways I got his baby mama on my phone at ungodly hours calling me cussing me out, sending me nasty messages on facebook…and the kicker is, her and my friend have been back together! Like bitch are you kidding me?! If he wanted me, he would be with me make no mistake about that. But he chose to try the family thing again so he’s with you. If you got your man and happy family, why the fuck are you bothering me? I damn sure ain’t bothering him! I could ask my friend to do something about it but crazy bitches are known for pulling the “You’ll never see your kid again” card and my conscious can’t take that kind of stress even if it isn’t directly my fault. But I do think dudes should keep their baby mamas in check as best they can when it comes to female friends whose only crimes are simply existing. Back to this crazy bitch tho. The way I see it, I have one of two options: I can either beat the bitch’s ass when I see her out and about, choke slam now ask questions later type shit…or I can keep track of all the threats and have her ass arrested for harassment and criminal threats (which is a FELONY I have learned) and show the bitch nobody is playing with her ass. Because we are grown ass women and should be able to handle the situation as such, but clearly that isn’t on her agenda. The bitch just needs to find herself some business and stick her damn nose in it and leave me the hell alone. The only problem with both these situations is that by doing either one my friend prolly won’t be too happy with me after everything is all said and done so…what do I do?!  

SEX && FEET
 I have pretty feet. And by pretty feet I mean my second toe is shorter than my big toe. I have no corns. I get a pedicure about every 3 weeks and I make sure to exfoliate all the rough skin off my heels. And my big toes aren’t hairy. And I can appreciate a lady having pretty feet. One thing I can’t get down with tho is guys feet. I have always felt a certain way about men feet, mainly because they’re ugly as fuck. Most men wanna act like they don’t need a pedicure every now and then because it isn’t “manly” or whatever, but that is no excuse for your toes to be throwing up gang signs nshit! Get rid of all the corns and rough skin, CLIP THOSE DAMN TOE NAILS DOWN!!! You shouldn’t be able to shred my damn sheets with your feet alone. THAT being said…I get irked when guys wear socks during sex. It looks ghetto as hell and I hate it. Like being butt ass naked in a pair of tube socks has never been sexy to me. I’m left at a catch 22 - I hate ugly men feet but I hate socks equally as much…at the end of the night I’d rather you just take your socks off. Now I can let you fucking me in a pair of Jordans slide, I’ve done it before and I’m like you keep your J’s on I’ll keep my Nikes on and keep things moving. Because sometimes you just can’t go barefoot outside…

I ran into Brian Pumper last weekend(yes the one that fucked Montana Fishbourne aka Chippy D aka Chips Ahoy booty) and my oh my if that isn’t the finest man walking, no matter how corny his big ass is. Anyways I YouTube’d a couple of his music videos and a web series came up called “Brian Pumper: Life Of A Porno Nigga” (if you like World Star Hip Hop then you’ve either A.) already seen it or B.) it will be right up your alley I PROMISE! How it isn’t on tv already I have no idea. Go watch. You won’t be disappointed) and one of the episodes touched on him having a foot fetish. I don’t watch too many of his scenes so I had no idea. Then he starts going around sniffing strangers feet nshit and talking about if he can smell this girl’s toes and jack off at the same time…I just can’t! And the kicker is he likes smelly feet! People have their fetishes and I’m not one to judge but if a dude asked me if he could rub my feet allover his face while he jacked off…I’d be a little put off by it.  

DOPE DICK SLANGERS
In a perfect world I would have one of these who would satisfy my every sexual need when I needed them taken care of. I haven’t had sex in about a month or so, and I’m getting that addict itch going on. I’ve been having some okay sex to get me by but shit…it isn’t enough! I haven’t had really good sex since you know who which was back in January…and you know sometimes I rant on twitter about not getting the D when I need it, or why when I DO get it it sucks:( like I’m being punished for some crimes I did in my past life or something. One of my followers was telling me it shouldn’t be hard to find since I’m a girl and this seems to be the general consensus for men about women and sex. Let me break it down for you guys:

While YES it may be easier for me to call someone up and get laid than it would be for a guy it isn’t that simple. The problem for you is that most of the time guys are friends with girls that given the chance if they weren’t as close or whatever they’d probably smash (whether you wanna admit it or NOT). Women tend to be friends with men and just that. There are PLENTY of my guy friends I wouldn’t have sex with EVER, but on a drunken occasion or two have hinted that they wanna see how I get down in the bed (since I share all my stories with them anyways). So that would make it easier for the girl to call up a “friend” late at night for a “movie night” and he’d be over there faster than you can say “make sure you have a condom;)”. Another important thing to remember is that for men, all they need is a wet warm hole to stick their dick in so they can fuck it til kingdom cum. 98% of the time with enough stimulation a man can have his nut. For women it’s not that easy!!! I can’t just go fuck ANYBODY expecting the sex to be good. You gotta deal with dudes that can’t get it up, dudes that can’t keep it up, dudes that cum too early, dudes whose dicks were too small ect…so many things can go wrong! I’ve never had one of my guy friends come up to me and say “Man I had sex with this girl and it sucked because her cookie was too big”.  

SIDEBAR: I’m not blaming bad sex solely on men because sometimes you’ll get a girl who doesn’t shave, didn’t wipe good enough, just has a particular odor or whatever I’m just talking in terms of sexual dysfunction it’s generally the man’s fault. If the reason you can’t get it hard is cause of something she’s doing then ABORT MISSION!

So I have to narrow down the playing field. I’m used to whale penises that stroke my g-spot constantly and I don’t feel that I should always have to settle for less if I don’t have to! If you aren’t showing me anything that shows you have potential then I’m definitely not about to show you what color my thong is that night. I can’t just lay there and call that good sex you gotta know what you’re doing. So when I go thru my phone book and realize the only dudes I have the option of calling are wack, I have no options. When I have no options, I have no sex. When I have no sex, I have no sanity. THAT’S why, in theory, it actually is HARDER for me to get laid than it is for my counterparts with the penises.

Back to my diamond tipped dick havers, I need me a pusher. A pusher of that sexual napalm. Give me sexual ecstasy. Make me come begging for more. Make me hate every bitch I see you out in public with, even if she’s your sister. I know what I want, when I want it, how I want it and where I want it. As you have all bared witness before, give me the good shit I’ll buy you tacos after. A latino diamond tipped dope dick slanger sounds sooo lovely right about now (although I don’t discriminate). I really wish you guys just fell out of the sky…  

QUESTION: In all seriousness, as a man, could you have sex (almost) every day? Not would you, but if you had someone willing to have sex with you every day would you physically be able to do so? There are plenty of dudes who say they can, then when it comes down to it we find out they ain’t about that life. Could you?  

A BIT OR RANDOMNESS
 If you’re at school and you notice you have a cute classmate that you wouldn’t mind humping the shit out of, wait til the end of the semester. That way, if you guys DO have sex and it sucks, you won’t have to see their face every week.

Happy birthday to us, we’re now 2 years old. Glad everyone is enjoying the blog thus far, your feedback is great, love all the positive comments you guys leave (even if it’s not a lot). Always gotta appreciate the ones who’ve stuck around since day one and followed the soap opera known as Happenis and whatnot. Hopefully I find someone new and there will be exciting things to come!
Next week we'll talk about cruising for ass on CraigsList. Lol

Miss Sixxxty, your very own freak of the industryyy

Hump Day Festivities

I don't even know where to begin with my night with the Sexsomniac. So I've counted all the times we've had sex and we literally have sex once a month. As in once in November, once in December, ect. Just as I thought he was about to ruin our pattern he calls me up the other night (drunk, as usual) asking me if I want to have sex. Duh. So I get dressed, pop a couple vics, and drive off. When I get there he's playing bp with his coworkers, two who happen to be the big belly dude who tried to spoon me and that random Mexican who wanted me to breast feed him lol. I'm just thinking...umm...and I going to be getting some peen..? Or...because idk if he knows what gas prices are like right now but I just can't be driving across town all willy nilly. He tells me they're waiting on strippers to arrive and I'm like "But I'm right here wtf?" But I chilled, I had never had strippers come to me before it was going to be interesting to see how it all went down.
As I waited for the strippers to get there, enjoying my high the big belly dude comes up to me and tells me he doesn't like white girls, and he only really likes Mexican and black chicks. No surprise there. He goes on about being the star on his football team (whatever position big bellied dudes played) and how only white chicks would throw themselves on him. Um. Okay. Then he tells me how he wouldn't come to my club because he doesn't wanna see me LIKE THAT, all naked and whatnot. Because we're friends he couldn't do it. And I say "YES. I AGREE!!! YOU DON'T EVER NEED TO SEE ME LIKE THAT. As long as we're on the same page here buddy...". The strippers arrived with their driver and they were pretty average. So the Sexsomniac just straight up says "These bitches are ugly" I was just embarrassed for him and them. They get dressed downstairs while everyone is going on and on about how ugly they are and how they should've just paid me (Yeah you SHOULD'VE) but I wasn't gonna knock their hustle. It must suck having to get called in to work at like 2-3 in the morning...So the girls come upstairs and one is barefoot in torn fishnets the other is wearing toms with a bad wig. They're both built like rectangles, with no shapes whatsoever. They start doing their lap dances which is basically a slow grind in their laps, turn around and do the most awkward dry hump ever, and shake what little ass they have. Lather, rinse, repeat. The Sexsomniac, Mr. Dunlap (the big belly dude clearly needs a nickname now) and I all go out on the balcony after about 10 minutes of fuckery and The Sexsomniac is still going on about how ugly these bitches are and how did they waste 400 bucks on them. I tell him he should let me dance for him instead. I give him a lap dance on the balcony and at the end I bounce my ass and make it clap in his lap and it was a done deal. Mr. Dunlap asks where's his dance and between FRIENDS I give him a little dance, I don't dance long enough to get him hard and I hop off. I peek in the window to see the girls doing the same shit, except this time they're topless. I go inside and Mr. Dunlap tells one of the dudes to come on the balcony and get a dance from me. I tell him give me 20 bucks and I'll go inside and dance and show the other strippers up. The Mexican Breast Feeder is just watching in awe as I give his boss a better dance than he's getting and the girls start talking about my piercings and my boobs and how I put her A cups to shame (boy do I remember those days...) After coming up on 40 bucks I go towards the balcony and The Sexsomniac asks me to put my boobs on the glass before I come outside. Squish, squish. I go outside and I'm like dude...I'm ready NOW let's go inside already! He tells me we can't until everyone leaves so I'm just like fuck man...He suggests we just do it on the balcony. I just stand in front of him and he pulls my shorts down while I try and secretly fish a condom out my hoodie. We don't get very far before someone comes outside to pee off the balcony. Every time we try to get something started someone comes outside! I tried going down on him while he kept watch and of course someone was coming so I stood up fast while his pants were unbuttoned looking extremely guilty but wtf ever. People needed to leave lol. The Mexican Breast Feeder comes outside knowing exactly what was going on and he asks me how much would it be to fuck one of the strippers in there. I tell him I had no idea, he should probably ask her and not me. This is also not the first time he's mentioned paying for sex so you sir, get the side eye. Then he asks how much would it be to get something going between me, him and the Sexsomniac and I'm just like wait what?! He comes up behind me telling me that he almost got me last time (Lies) and how we were already out here and the nut job tried to bend me over! I was like time to gooo...Then Mr. Dunlap comes outside and says the strippers are leaving. The Sexsomniac says "Cool, now we can go inside" and Mr. Dunlap says "Let's" *record stops* sir WHAT? Who is included in that "Let's" cause that's a plural you shouldn't be included in!

Mr. Dunlap: *hands on my hips* can I ask you something?
Me: What's up?
Mr. Dunlap: ...One time
Me: Oh nooooo...we're FRIEND'S remember? You don't wanna see me like that!
Mr. Dunlap: I know but I'm saying just this once...
Me: Nope. Noooope. You're really blowing my high right now...

I can't. Not with any of them that night they were all doing waaaay too much. After everyone is cleared out we try to go inside but then The Sexsomniac remembers he left his keys in Mr. Dunlap's car and he had just left. So we might have to have sex in either the spare room or my car. I did NOT drive this fucking far to have sex in my car or on a cement floor. After about 10 minutes he finds the keys in his pocket -_________- . We go inside, turn the tv on and get down to business. I start on top, cow girl to reverse, and I was so high and he was so drunk I couldn't tell if we we're having sex or watching tv lol. I hopped off and started giving him head, gags and all. Idk what it is about the sound of gagging that makes dudes go crazy. It sounds nasty as fuck (to me, at least). And I noticed he was getting whiskey dick no matter how many positions we got into. I even went against my own beliefs and semi licked his unshaven balls to help him. I was willing to do just about anything to make him bust. Found a nice lil bald patch (why am I laughing while I type this lol) and did a little quick flick, lick suck on it but it didn't help. I knew it just wasn't in the cards for him that night so I stopped and asked him if he was tired, because I was, but I would keep going if he wanted...Thankfully he tapped out and we just went to sleep. We spooned naked and just drifted off to sleep and everything was all good til he fell into that DEEP sleep. He is the wildest sleeper EVER. Any sleeping position you can imagine he was in it at some point, stealing covers and all. And then I knew his sexsomnia was no joke because at points during the morning he would be moaning for no reason, and I even caught him jerking it in a dead sleep. Finally around noon I told myself it was time to get my lazy ass up and get dressed and go home. So he got up, gave me my clothes and I gave him a hug and left.

What an eventful Wednesday night.
Miss Sixxxty, your very own freak of the industryyy

"I'm Sorry But The Vagina You Are Trying To Reach..."

Good peen will def make you act like an idiot. He fucks up, I get mad, he offers sex I willingly accept. No matter what he did, no matter the amount of anger or hurt or sadness he's ever made me feel I would always let him back, on the grounds that his peen is absolutely second to none. Where does one draw the fucking line??

A while back we had a mini fallout because he drunkenly told me he loved me and then told me he loved someone else two weeks later, the girl he had been on and off with for YEARS...and I knew if it ever came down to it he'd probably choose her over me in a heart beat. Two months later we "made up" aka had sex and it was all good I suppose. He told me he didn't love her anymore, and how much he tried being with her but she didn't wanna be with him (it's a bizarre-o love triangle) blah blah blah. Okay cool, now I have you, free from emotional baggage. Cause don't get me wrong, I knew I wouldn't have him to myself I knew we fucked other people, but it's just that. Fucking other people you don't really have feelings for. But just he thought of me coming in second place to someone he actually cares about, someone he has true feelings for didn't sit right with me. It's like a form of cheating (which I found out during the course of our fling thing he was in fact at one point her boyfriend, which makes him a cheater). Which is why I couldn't understand him admitting his love for her after we had JUST had sex. Like if you love her so much...why are you sitting in my car? Why did you even bother to text me? It would just be easier on me to not deal with a dude in a relationship, it would make me feel better to know that the reason you aren't spending the night isn't so you can crawl back into bed with your woman, but because you have to work early in the morning or some shit.
Anyways, he comes back to visit and he hits me up and I'm all excited cause I haven't seen him since January but alas I'm at work 2 hours away and don't have my car so I can't go see him. I was going to be back the next night tho! I hit him up when I got back, no answer. I hit him up again two days later, still no answer. I'm like tf is going on? I don't hit him up the remainder of the week, and I don't hear from him at all. Meanwhile everyone is telling me "Don't worry, you know he's gonna call you" and surprise, surprise, I don't hear from him. Then I notice his ex going off on him on twitter about him being a cheater which made me realize two things:

1. That I'm no longer a person he wants to fuck I'm just someone to fuck. Not like "I wanna have sex WITH HER right meow" more like "I wanna have sex...I guess I'll see what she's doing". Who knows how long I've been demoted to plan b...But I have no one to blame but myself. This is what I get for serving him pussy on demand and showing him I'm willing to travel two hours just to fuck him.

2. That the reason he was ignoring me more than likely because he was trying to rekindle something with his ex and not because he threw a bitch fit after I couldn't see him when he wanted. Which goes to show my blissfully oblivious ass that he isn't over her and he would rather just be with her.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. I gotta draw the line at choosing up. (I know he's probably reading this since he knows I call him Happenis). I have no problem with you choosing up, and by no means do I want you to be unhappy. If going after that makes you happy, then by all means do what you gotta do! Just leave me out of the middle of it. I don't wanna be your rebound for when you're mad at her or when you're in an "off" season, just for you to leave me and go back to her after you kiss and make up. You chose up not once, but twice. So that says something about what you really want. Even tho it's just sex I like being a top priority. I don't like coming in second for shit. If I'm at the bottom of the priority list that means I'm not a true priority so you can just scratch me off. I'm sorry but the ninja kitty is no longer at your disposal 24/7, so don't ask.
And that's all I really have to say about that.

Moving right along...
Miss Sixxxty, your very own freak of the industryyy

Penises, Pubes, && Lies Told During Sex

Hey babes an gents. Been M.I.A. again, my apologies. But I've been verrrrry busy. And if you follow me on twitter, NO, I WON'T be talking about last weekend. Lol. Fuck it, let's jump right into the ish.

PENISES
Okay so the Sexsomniac brings me to this topic. The last time I went to go see him he texted me like a week later telling me he woke up hard (bitch) so I instantly wake up and get ready to make moves. Then he starts complaining about how I really don't wanna have sex with him because his dick is so small and blah blah blah. Because I clearly didn't wanna have sex all those other times right? -______- He always thinks the sex isn't any good, when it actually is. Okay and I know his dick isn't the biggest but I don't really care because he happens to be one of those exceptions to the rule. I was talking to my friend this past weekend about a dude we had mutually fucked with (at different points in time) and she was saying how she didn't really like him, she just fucked with him on occasion cause his dick was big. If I wasn't driving I would've given her the stuck on stupid face. I don't remember his dick being big AT ALL. It was more on the average side. And he didn't manscape (ew. We'll get back to that in a sec.) She told me it was just because I was used to whale penises. Lol. I can't help it if the dudes I pick happen to be very blessed. A few of them should get into porn.
Back to the Sexsomniac tho, I've noticed this pattern where we'll have sex and like the next day he'll go on and on about how small his dick is and how much he sucks in bed. And I'm just like "Shhh, just shut up. I liked it." I mean what do I say to that?! Like do I lie and say "Your dick really isn't small tho..." or do I just agree with him BUT let him know that I don't care he isn't a mandingo dick slanger? On some "I know it isn't the biggest but you really know how to move your ass:)" (Brownie points if you know where that line is from). It's just getting more annoying than anything...Like if all you're gonna do is bag on yourself after sex I'd rather you just fuck me and not say anything when we're finished. Please and thank you in advance. So FYI to the dudes that know they aren't working with much, as long as you got a diamond tipped dick she really won't care. And if she keeps going back to you for said diamond tipped dick on her own accord, she obviously doesn't think your stroke game sucks!

PUBES
READ:This is not meant to be racially insensitive, so don't take it that way. This has just been my observation in my experiences. But a lot of the black dudes I've been with don't manscape. What's up with that?! I've been with some latinos that don't do it, but more often than not they're all nice and tidy. But the black dudes, they just let that shit grow freely. I mean I wouldn't even make a big deal about it if some of them had it trimmed down. Nope, they have full on afros below the belt, complete with beady beads. And everyone knows when you don't manscape, don't expect me to do any type of licking on or near your balls. I do not get down with swallowing pubes here and there. Is it a mental thing? Like that's your way of saying you're a man? Or is it to trap the pheromones and attract the ladies? I'm more attracted to smoothness but I digress. Or is it simply because you're too lazy to shave it off? I need answers...And ESPECIALLY from those dudes who want to look at a girl crazy when she's between waxes. Sir have you taken a look in the mirror? If you require your girl to be flying bald eagle then you should be flying right along with her. Those are just my general feelings on manscaping, the black dude thing was just an observation.

LIES TOLD DURING SEX
This one is the biggie. There are two types of lies told during sex: The excuse and the sex drunk lies.

THE EXCUSE: This usually happens for the dudes. There was this guy I went to high school with, I would have never expected us to hang out EVER in life, and by chance, we went to a party and just started hanging out on friendly terms. I would always text him and ask him for advice on other guys, and I remember him mentioning how one night he misfired with this chick but he wasn't worried about it because he had given her "the business" before. Then I started drunk dialing him and staying at his house while I sobered up. I liked him because he never tried anything while I was intoxicated he would just let me sleep. One night tho, he kissed me while I was all snuggled up on him watching a movie, and one thing led to another and I saw him reaching for a condom off the nightstand. Welp. Even though I was drunk it was over before I knew it. He just yelled "Oh Noooooo quickieeee" while he busted. And it was over. My drunk mind was thinking, "I have been cheated. Yet again." He asked me if I needed a towel and I'm thinking, for what? I'm fine. He hit me with the "That never happens" line. I hear that shit all the time and I reFUSE to believe I am the first person nor the reason these dudes keep misfiring. Whether it be because you can't get an erection, can't keep one, or bust too early, that shit is not my fault. I do the dick sucking and I do the riding, I think I do my part. Now you do yours. Buy cock rings, think of porn, think of baseball. Hell do whatever you gotta do to help yourself out.

But then again my sex life is doomed, remember? Thanks a lot Happenis. Bitch.

SEX DRUNK LIES
"Ooooh, baby I love you"
"This pussy is aaaaaaall yours"
"I wanna have your babies please let me have your baby"
"I'll cook, I'll clean, I'll make you tacos for lunch"
"I'll pay your rent"

Have you ever thought about the shit you say during sex? I think about some of the things I say and it makes this black girl blush. Obviously under normal circumstances I wouldn't say any dumb shit like that* but when you got that diamond tipped dick making you feel all kinds of good to where if you opened your eyes you wouldn't be able to see straight, you say some crazy stuff. What the fuck possesses us to say some crazy shit like that? Just have us straight talking out our asses, no pun intended. One day my friend hits me up asking me if I've ever told a dude I loved him during sex. I told him no, I might've said I love IT, but never I love HIM. he then asks me if girls can be fucked into saying it. I say if they an be fucked into submission, why not? He tells me he was fucking his FWB and she told him she loved him.

"What if she says it twice? Is it still the sex talking? I definitely don't know what to say back. SO I continue thrusting."

That is the reason I love having guys for friends. Because that line right there is GOLD.

In that case the chick actually had feelings for him, but that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about all the other goofy shit you wouldn't be saying if his peen wasn't anywhere near or around your vag. I would never tell a dude I was gonna pay his rent unless my head was about to explode off my shoulders in orgasm induced ecstasy* . Sex is a powerful thing. If a dude asked me to do something in between sucking and kissing on my neck I'd probably agree to buying timeshares on the moon. It's THAT serious. I would hope that everyone takes what their partner is saying during sex with a grain of salt.

Him: "Mmm babe" *sucks on neck* "I need to borrow 500 dollars"
Me: "hhurihulfrhelreuailhreuih cash or check"
Him: *sucks some more* "Don't matter. Can I borrow your car too?"
Me: "jfiewouhuwehdewualYEShidhuflhresufhe"
Him: "I don't have any gas money tho"
Me: "Shhhh. Less talking. More sucking"

after all the sex...

Him: "So about that money..."
Me: "I don't know what the hell you're talking about...LOOK AT ALL THESE FUCKING HICKIES YOU ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

SIDEBAR: why do hickies feel so good and leave suck ugly evidence behind? Le sighh...

*I PERSONALLY have never said any of that, except maybe that he can have ALLA DISSS, it's all his...but the other stuff HELL NO.

I need to get my life together and figure out what I'm about to do, as far as my sex life goes. I hate dry spells. And I would really love it if someone would let me play in trade as far as oral sex goes. We don't even have to have official intercourse, as long as he puts that puff the magic dragon tongue back to work MY GOD. And I would obviously gladly return the flavor.

Miss Sixxxty, your very own freak of the industryy

I Just Gave...

...the longest blow job of my life. I was just feelin' generous one night so I called this guy up (no nickname as of yet). He's just fun to fuck around with, albeit if he isn't always available (booooooo). He told me he only had 20 minutes to spare and I'm thinkin' "too easy" so he slides the seat back and I go to town. 24 minutes later I'm like "Don't you need to go?" and he tells me to just keep going. It's like every time he would tell me "Just like that...keep it just like thaaaast" my jaw would start aching. Switching between licking and sucking just got too damn tiring at one point I was thinkin I know it's past his bedtime. I told him I was gonna try to go for a record and he decided to take that as a personal challenge to see how long he could keep from busting. I was bent in so many odd positions trying to get in a comfortable oral giving position that I woke up the next day feeling like I had gotten violated by a horse when I didn't even have sex. After an hour he finally came. Better late than never I say!
SEXSOMNIAC MAKES HIS TRIUMPHANT RETURN
We hadn't been seeing much of each other lately because we have been off doing our own things. One morning at like 4:30 a.m. I get a phone call from him. Half asleep I answer the phone and he screams "THIS IS A BOOTY CALL. WAKE UPPPPP. REMEMBER THAT TIME WE WENT TO THE CASINO AND I LOST 200 BUCKS? I DIDN'T EVEN REALLY WANNA HAVE SEX THAT NIGHT BUT I STILL ASKED ANYWAYS. REMEMBER WHEN YOU RAPED ME?? YEAH, YOU OWE ME. SO BRING THAT ASS." Anything else sir? After a little back and forth I made my way over to east jesus nowhere (with the promise of going straight to sleep right after). This was before gas prices started fucking us in the ass again. I get there and the big dude that tried spooning with me the first time we had sex was there and so was that stupid ass cunt that tried molesting me when he thought I was passed out. We just sat around talking for a minute and then we decided to head off to bed.
We're layin in bed making small talk and somehow he pushed me out the bed! Then he elbowed me and I wasn't sure if this was a form of foreplay or if he was just being a drunken idiot.
Me: Keep it up and I'm gonna kick your ass.
Sexsomniac: No you won't...because you love me like a brother.
Me: ..............please don't say that before we have sex. It's kinda creepy...
Sexsomniac: Okay well you love me like a good friend.
Much better...I roll over and start kissing him and he starts pulling at my sweats. The thing I like about having sex with him is he likes kissing. Kissing before sex is very underrated. And on the contrary, just because you kiss me during sex doesn't mean I'm going to all of a sudden catch feelings for you. It's just one of those things I like during sex. Now, kissing and there isn't and sex involved is another story (unless I'm drunk...but I can't remember JUST drunkenly making out with someone...). Anyways, we get undressed, he grabbed on my fanny, pulled out the jammie, and killed the punani (kinda) *in my Ice Cube voice*
SIDEBAR: Punani and fanny are one of those words I hate
I started out on top, riding him a little bit...but it's been so long since I've been on top IN A BED that the mattress wasn't firm enough and I couldn't get into a groove. Car sex will do that to you. I got off and we started spooning. It's so weird, cause his dick isn't the biggest (it ain't the smallest either) but he can still hit certain spots. Every time he thrusted I'd bend over a lil more until I folded like a lawn chair. I got bored after a while so I pushed him back and told him to get on his knees. I bent down in front of him and started throwin' it back at him. And I don't mean where I'm on all fours rocking my entire body into him. Dancing at the strip club has taught me to work my hips and ass in ways I didn't know capable. I was pitching a lot of ass and he was catching just as good. Felt great EXCEPT the way my ass was going back and forth reminded me of a jello mold on a plate I felt like my ass was about to slide the fuck off my body. I hate that feeling but when I looked back at him the look on his face said he was enjoying the fuck outta that shit, so I continued. He took over after a while and I just stuffed my head under a pillow to muffle myself, but you could still hear *clap, clap, clap, clap*. I heard the two dudes down the hall laughing and I couldn't figure out if they could hear us or if they were laughing about something else. But that wasn't gonna stop me from getting my issue handled, no ma'am. He's really the only guy who's ever gotten close to making me feel the way Happenis did but it is obviously not the same AT ALL...that man needs to hurry up and bring his ass BACK.
He finally busts, and as we're cleaning up and getting dressed we're having a convo like we didn't just have sex. We go rejoin the boys, play a quick game of beer pong and I decide I'd rather go to sleep in my own bed. As I get ready to leave he asks me where I'm going and I say I'm going home.
Sexsomniac: REAL! So you're just gonna leave huh...hit it and quit it? I feel so used...
Well damn, my bad homie. And all this time I had been thinking dudes actually WANTED me to leave after sex. Smh. lol
SOMETHING I'D LIKE TO ADDRESS
Don't text me asking if I want the dick and when I say yes say "That's nice". You woke me up out my sleep, made me horny and shut me down in a matter of 5 minutes. I hate your life. Don't text me again.
IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING...
The Rain Check man still ain't tryna let a bish be great and cash that shit in...we see each other here and there and we're friendly so I don't know what the deal is.
Sex. When it's good it's great. When it's bad it's still pretty good.
Miss Sixxxty, your very own freak of the industryy

Keep It 100

Hola, hola...up at my tweaker crackhead hours again because this stupid issue (not sex) is bothering me...what better way than to blog it. The phrase of the day is "Keep it 100" because apparently people are having a hard time grasping the concept.
So there's this guy (always the beginning of a juicy story), might've blogged about him a couple months ago about taking time off work to go see him out of town just for him to bail on me at the last minute? If I did, lemme refresh your memory and if I didn't lemme fill you in:

Basically had been going to school with this guy since forever, after high school went our separate ways. Might've crushed on him on an off thru high school but nothing too serious. Broke up with his long term girlfriend and we hung out shortly after that. He came home on spring break talking all kinda shit, we made out, then after that he stopped taking my calls/texts. Get on fb an see he got back with his gf. Okaaay...couple months later same shit happens but this time he wants me to visit him. We pick a weekend, I take time off work (which I hated because I honestly hate taking time off work) and the week I was supposed to go he stops taking my calls/texts. The day before he tells me he's "sick". I tell him that's fine I'll be his nurse and feed him chicken noodle soup in bed all flirty like and he still tells me I shouldn't go. At this point I'm pissed because I'm stuck in town and I'm not working when I could be. He gets a new gf and deletes me on fb. Couple months later he hits me up out of nowhere and I should be used to his game by now but my dumb ass still plays into it. Tonight I just got fed up with his ass.

It's like we'll have these long ass convos nshit and I think everything is going good then he pulls the stupid fall off the face of the earth card and I'm sitting here like damnit what NOW?? His texts started coming far and few in between, and I could feel the cycle repeating itself. I have this rule, where if I send 3 texts on 3 different occasions and you don't respond or don't engage I delete your number and play the waiting game. I either forget about you, or you come around. Win/win situation. And that's what I did. But I decided to do something different this time, and just flat out ask him what the fuck his problem was. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I am clearly a damn fool. I was starting to feel that there was another girl in the picture and I was once again getting pushed off to the side as I had before. At first he wanted to play stupid, then I told him if his heart or his dick or whatever was in a different place than between us then that was fine with me. I just needed to know SOMETHING because this stupid little merry go round was getting stupid. He tried telling me he didn't know what I was talking about, and I debated on bringing up each instance we started talking and how they all ended and decided against it. He chalked it up to being busy and he can't always talk and blah blah blah cause clearly I look like boo boo the fool. I'm a woman I can sense shit like that. After doing a bunch of pointless going back and forth I just gave up and waived that white flag. I didn't wanna argue anymore because it was going NOWHERE...and once I stopped responding he started sending those obnoxious "???" texts...like THAT'S going to invoke a response from me...

Moral of the story: whether we're TALKING talking in terms of a relationship or hell even just casually fucking around it's obviously best to keep it 100 with each other. If you start not to feel the situation anymore, speak up. If you meet someone else and it gets serious, speak up. Hell, if it's anything that's gonna prevent the progress of the "relationship" between you two SPEAK UP. Nobody wants to be strung along as much as nobody wants to be stuck in a situation they don't wanna be in. I know if I don't like a dude or don't wanna fuck with him, I will let him know. (We know thissss...I may not be the nicest about it after a while but you can't say it doesn't get the job done). I just ask for the same in return. I always tell Happenis if he ever gets bored with our situation just to tell me he doesn't wanna fuck anymore, rather than falling off the face of the earth and keeping me guessing about our situation. I'd rather have a definite "it's a done datta" than a "kinda maybe sorta" situation. That way I know if we're still on texting terms or whatever and I don't have to wonder about how you feel about me or our situation...You know I just hate feeling like a damn bug to something that ain't even there anymore...I mean I always tell people they don't have to lie at all, they can tell me how they feel whether they think it'll hurt my feelings or not. I'm a big girl! I can handle it!

SIDE BARI've noticed I've been done dirty by dudes I haven't even done anything major sexually with more than dudes I've slept with. One guy I talked to, we'd have these "movie nights" where I'd just go to his pad, watch movies and knock out. Never even kissed him. I'm thinking everything is going peachy and about a week after one of our movie nights I ask him what the next movie is gonna be and he tells me he has a girlfriend. Um...can you say blindsided?! Here I am, thinking we might be on track for a relationship, thinking I did everything right by keeping my legs closed, and he wasn't even checking for me! Damn near a year later he came back around but that ship had long sailed. Sucks for him!

Mmm...idk...just one less dude to worry about...frees up more space in my phone for more important things...like updating Angry Birds. I'm a grown ass woman and don't have time for games. If you wanna fuck and I wanna fuck then yay! Let's get something worked out. Cut all the bullshit. But like I said it's a concept people can't grasp these days i.e. this idiot...

As far as Happenis goes...we all know I cracked and fucked him a few weeks back when he was in town...what can I say he's just too good at what he does...Can't pass it up (especially when I'm not getting it anyways).

The Rain Check Guy (that's the best I could do)...well, when I know something, you'll know something.

My visits with the Sexsomniac are becoming far and few in between...which kinda sucks cause I liked his convenience...but we haven't been kicking it lately. Just doing our own things...hmm NBD.

Cheers to the fucking weekend,
Miss Sixxxty, your very own freak of the industryy

"You Up?"

My nerves are completely fucking irked. This whole thing about initiating sex just has my spirit disturbed. I think we can all agree that at any given moment I'm prolly thinking about sex. Whether I'm in class, the grocery store, or in church I'm thinking about penis. That being said, the whole "Closed mouths don't get fed" rule clearly doesn't apply to me. Why? I have no fucking idea. I always thought in a man's perfect world they'd have a bad bitch who wanted to have sex ALL THE TIME and would happily oblige them when they asked. I would be that bitch. If the sex is good then you should already know you got me. I have yet to meet a man who wanted to have sex as much as I do (and if they did they weren't doin it with me:/). They make me feel like this sexual maniac, like something must be wrong with me if none of these dudes want it like I do. In MY perfect world I would have access to the dick whenever the fuck I asked, at least once a day. Don't care when, don't care where, don't care how just give me the shit.
This leads me to the issue at hand. I know I obviously can't hit up any dude EVERY TIME I wanna have sex, this I know. But those rare few occasions I DO try to initiate something they mistake my wanting sex for catching feelings. Or some other bullshit. Listen. Sir. I'm not trying to date you, I'm not trying to invite you to dinner and a movie I would just really like to borrow your penis for my personal enjoyment every now and then. Cool with you? And it ESPECIALFUCKINGLY irks me when I hit you up and you turn me down, I stop texting you and you hit me with the "I haven't heard from you in a while" well NO FUCKING SHIT SHERLOCK! Why would I continue to hit you up when you always turn me down?! It takes like twice for you to turn me down before I declare you a lost cause. The phone works both ways you know how o get in contact with me when you decide you're ready for me again...
Idk maybe I just have the world's worst timing and they'd actually like to have sex with me when I text but due to some prior obligations they can't. Or some shit. Who knows...
Is there some sort of protocol for proper waiting time before I get to try to initiate the shit and get mine? No? This is why I propose the emoji developers come up with a single emoji that would signify that I would like to bang the shit out of you I could initiate sooooo many more booty calls with that. So simplistic, yet it would get the job done. Apple where's my check?!
So yes. For those of you I get textually active with, when you don't hear from me for a few days its not because I'm tryin to play it cool. I'm doing it so you don't think I'm starting to have feelings for you. The only feelings I'm having for you are deep in the pits of my vag. If you can help me out with that then fanfuckingtastic. If not, then why the fuck are you even texting me in the first place??
YES. If we just FUCK, don't text me just wanting to talk. It's annoying.
...Why is it so hard to find a fuck buddy who just wants to have sex all the time? I'm convinced I'm a scientific anomaly...Whatever I'll just go back to being sexually frustrated until I get to cash in my rain check...if that ever happens...

Miss Sixxxty, Your very own freak of the industryy