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Friday, March 30, 2012

Hump Day Festivities

I don't even know where to begin with my night with the Sexsomniac. So I've counted all the times we've had sex and we literally have sex once a month. As in once in November, once in December, ect. Just as I thought he was about to ruin our pattern he calls me up the other night (drunk, as usual) asking me if I want to have sex. Duh. So I get dressed, pop a couple vics, and drive off. When I get there he's playing bp with his coworkers, two who happen to be the big belly dude who tried to spoon me and that random Mexican who wanted me to breast feed him lol. I'm just thinking...umm...and I going to be getting some peen..? Or...because idk if he knows what gas prices are like right now but I just can't be driving across town all willy nilly. He tells me they're waiting on strippers to arrive and I'm like "But I'm right here wtf?" But I chilled, I had never had strippers come to me before it was going to be interesting to see how it all went down.
As I waited for the strippers to get there, enjoying my high the big belly dude comes up to me and tells me he doesn't like white girls, and he only really likes Mexican and black chicks. No surprise there. He goes on about being the star on his football team (whatever position big bellied dudes played) and how only white chicks would throw themselves on him. Um. Okay. Then he tells me how he wouldn't come to my club because he doesn't wanna see me LIKE THAT, all naked and whatnot. Because we're friends he couldn't do it. And I say "YES. I AGREE!!! YOU DON'T EVER NEED TO SEE ME LIKE THAT. As long as we're on the same page here buddy...". The strippers arrived with their driver and they were pretty average. So the Sexsomniac just straight up says "These bitches are ugly" I was just embarrassed for him and them. They get dressed downstairs while everyone is going on and on about how ugly they are and how they should've just paid me (Yeah you SHOULD'VE) but I wasn't gonna knock their hustle. It must suck having to get called in to work at like 2-3 in the morning...So the girls come upstairs and one is barefoot in torn fishnets the other is wearing toms with a bad wig. They're both built like rectangles, with no shapes whatsoever. They start doing their lap dances which is basically a slow grind in their laps, turn around and do the most awkward dry hump ever, and shake what little ass they have. Lather, rinse, repeat. The Sexsomniac, Mr. Dunlap (the big belly dude clearly needs a nickname now) and I all go out on the balcony after about 10 minutes of fuckery and The Sexsomniac is still going on about how ugly these bitches are and how did they waste 400 bucks on them. I tell him he should let me dance for him instead. I give him a lap dance on the balcony and at the end I bounce my ass and make it clap in his lap and it was a done deal. Mr. Dunlap asks where's his dance and between FRIENDS I give him a little dance, I don't dance long enough to get him hard and I hop off. I peek in the window to see the girls doing the same shit, except this time they're topless. I go inside and Mr. Dunlap tells one of the dudes to come on the balcony and get a dance from me. I tell him give me 20 bucks and I'll go inside and dance and show the other strippers up. The Mexican Breast Feeder is just watching in awe as I give his boss a better dance than he's getting and the girls start talking about my piercings and my boobs and how I put her A cups to shame (boy do I remember those days...) After coming up on 40 bucks I go towards the balcony and The Sexsomniac asks me to put my boobs on the glass before I come outside. Squish, squish. I go outside and I'm like dude...I'm ready NOW let's go inside already! He tells me we can't until everyone leaves so I'm just like fuck man...He suggests we just do it on the balcony. I just stand in front of him and he pulls my shorts down while I try and secretly fish a condom out my hoodie. We don't get very far before someone comes outside to pee off the balcony. Every time we try to get something started someone comes outside! I tried going down on him while he kept watch and of course someone was coming so I stood up fast while his pants were unbuttoned looking extremely guilty but wtf ever. People needed to leave lol. The Mexican Breast Feeder comes outside knowing exactly what was going on and he asks me how much would it be to fuck one of the strippers in there. I tell him I had no idea, he should probably ask her and not me. This is also not the first time he's mentioned paying for sex so you sir, get the side eye. Then he asks how much would it be to get something going between me, him and the Sexsomniac and I'm just like wait what?! He comes up behind me telling me that he almost got me last time (Lies) and how we were already out here and the nut job tried to bend me over! I was like time to gooo...Then Mr. Dunlap comes outside and says the strippers are leaving. The Sexsomniac says "Cool, now we can go inside" and Mr. Dunlap says "Let's" *record stops* sir WHAT? Who is included in that "Let's" cause that's a plural you shouldn't be included in!

Mr. Dunlap: *hands on my hips* can I ask you something?
Me: What's up?
Mr. Dunlap: ...One time
Me: Oh nooooo...we're FRIEND'S remember? You don't wanna see me like that!
Mr. Dunlap: I know but I'm saying just this once...
Me: Nope. Noooope. You're really blowing my high right now...

I can't. Not with any of them that night they were all doing waaaay too much. After everyone is cleared out we try to go inside but then The Sexsomniac remembers he left his keys in Mr. Dunlap's car and he had just left. So we might have to have sex in either the spare room or my car. I did NOT drive this fucking far to have sex in my car or on a cement floor. After about 10 minutes he finds the keys in his pocket -_________- . We go inside, turn the tv on and get down to business. I start on top, cow girl to reverse, and I was so high and he was so drunk I couldn't tell if we we're having sex or watching tv lol. I hopped off and started giving him head, gags and all. Idk what it is about the sound of gagging that makes dudes go crazy. It sounds nasty as fuck (to me, at least). And I noticed he was getting whiskey dick no matter how many positions we got into. I even went against my own beliefs and semi licked his unshaven balls to help him. I was willing to do just about anything to make him bust. Found a nice lil bald patch (why am I laughing while I type this lol) and did a little quick flick, lick suck on it but it didn't help. I knew it just wasn't in the cards for him that night so I stopped and asked him if he was tired, because I was, but I would keep going if he wanted...Thankfully he tapped out and we just went to sleep. We spooned naked and just drifted off to sleep and everything was all good til he fell into that DEEP sleep. He is the wildest sleeper EVER. Any sleeping position you can imagine he was in it at some point, stealing covers and all. And then I knew his sexsomnia was no joke because at points during the morning he would be moaning for no reason, and I even caught him jerking it in a dead sleep. Finally around noon I told myself it was time to get my lazy ass up and get dressed and go home. So he got up, gave me my clothes and I gave him a hug and left.

What an eventful Wednesday night.
Miss Sixxxty, your very own freak of the industryyy

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

"I'm Sorry But The Vagina You Are Trying To Reach..."

Good peen will def make you act like an idiot. He fucks up, I get mad, he offers sex I willingly accept. No matter what he did, no matter the amount of anger or hurt or sadness he's ever made me feel I would always let him back, on the grounds that his peen is absolutely second to none. Where does one draw the fucking line??

A while back we had a mini fallout because he drunkenly told me he loved me and then told me he loved someone else two weeks later, the girl he had been on and off with for YEARS...and I knew if it ever came down to it he'd probably choose her over me in a heart beat. Two months later we "made up" aka had sex and it was all good I suppose. He told me he didn't love her anymore, and how much he tried being with her but she didn't wanna be with him (it's a bizarre-o love triangle) blah blah blah. Okay cool, now I have you, free from emotional baggage. Cause don't get me wrong, I knew I wouldn't have him to myself I knew we fucked other people, but it's just that. Fucking other people you don't really have feelings for. But just he thought of me coming in second place to someone he actually cares about, someone he has true feelings for didn't sit right with me. It's like a form of cheating (which I found out during the course of our fling thing he was in fact at one point her boyfriend, which makes him a cheater). Which is why I couldn't understand him admitting his love for her after we had JUST had sex. Like if you love her so much...why are you sitting in my car? Why did you even bother to text me? It would just be easier on me to not deal with a dude in a relationship, it would make me feel better to know that the reason you aren't spending the night isn't so you can crawl back into bed with your woman, but because you have to work early in the morning or some shit.
Anyways, he comes back to visit and he hits me up and I'm all excited cause I haven't seen him since January but alas I'm at work 2 hours away and don't have my car so I can't go see him. I was going to be back the next night tho! I hit him up when I got back, no answer. I hit him up again two days later, still no answer. I'm like tf is going on? I don't hit him up the remainder of the week, and I don't hear from him at all. Meanwhile everyone is telling me "Don't worry, you know he's gonna call you" and surprise, surprise, I don't hear from him. Then I notice his ex going off on him on twitter about him being a cheater which made me realize two things:

1. That I'm no longer a person he wants to fuck I'm just someone to fuck. Not like "I wanna have sex WITH HER right meow" more like "I wanna have sex...I guess I'll see what she's doing". Who knows how long I've been demoted to plan b...But I have no one to blame but myself. This is what I get for serving him pussy on demand and showing him I'm willing to travel two hours just to fuck him.

2. That the reason he was ignoring me more than likely because he was trying to rekindle something with his ex and not because he threw a bitch fit after I couldn't see him when he wanted. Which goes to show my blissfully oblivious ass that he isn't over her and he would rather just be with her.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. I gotta draw the line at choosing up. (I know he's probably reading this since he knows I call him Happenis). I have no problem with you choosing up, and by no means do I want you to be unhappy. If going after that makes you happy, then by all means do what you gotta do! Just leave me out of the middle of it. I don't wanna be your rebound for when you're mad at her or when you're in an "off" season, just for you to leave me and go back to her after you kiss and make up. You chose up not once, but twice. So that says something about what you really want. Even tho it's just sex I like being a top priority. I don't like coming in second for shit. If I'm at the bottom of the priority list that means I'm not a true priority so you can just scratch me off. I'm sorry but the ninja kitty is no longer at your disposal 24/7, so don't ask.
And that's all I really have to say about that.

Moving right along...
Miss Sixxxty, your very own freak of the industryyy

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Penises, Pubes, && Lies Told During Sex

Hey babes an gents. Been M.I.A. again, my apologies. But I've been verrrrry busy. And if you follow me on twitter, NO, I WON'T be talking about last weekend. Lol. Fuck it, let's jump right into the ish.

Okay so the Sexsomniac brings me to this topic. The last time I went to go see him he texted me like a week later telling me he woke up hard (bitch) so I instantly wake up and get ready to make moves. Then he starts complaining about how I really don't wanna have sex with him because his dick is so small and blah blah blah. Because I clearly didn't wanna have sex all those other times right? -______- He always thinks the sex isn't any good, when it actually is. Okay and I know his dick isn't the biggest but I don't really care because he happens to be one of those exceptions to the rule. I was talking to my friend this past weekend about a dude we had mutually fucked with (at different points in time) and she was saying how she didn't really like him, she just fucked with him on occasion cause his dick was big. If I wasn't driving I would've given her the stuck on stupid face. I don't remember his dick being big AT ALL. It was more on the average side. And he didn't manscape (ew. We'll get back to that in a sec.) She told me it was just because I was used to whale penises. Lol. I can't help it if the dudes I pick happen to be very blessed. A few of them should get into porn.
Back to the Sexsomniac tho, I've noticed this pattern where we'll have sex and like the next day he'll go on and on about how small his dick is and how much he sucks in bed. And I'm just like "Shhh, just shut up. I liked it." I mean what do I say to that?! Like do I lie and say "Your dick really isn't small tho..." or do I just agree with him BUT let him know that I don't care he isn't a mandingo dick slanger? On some "I know it isn't the biggest but you really know how to move your ass:)" (Brownie points if you know where that line is from). It's just getting more annoying than anything...Like if all you're gonna do is bag on yourself after sex I'd rather you just fuck me and not say anything when we're finished. Please and thank you in advance. So FYI to the dudes that know they aren't working with much, as long as you got a diamond tipped dick she really won't care. And if she keeps going back to you for said diamond tipped dick on her own accord, she obviously doesn't think your stroke game sucks!

READ:This is not meant to be racially insensitive, so don't take it that way. This has just been my observation in my experiences. But a lot of the black dudes I've been with don't manscape. What's up with that?! I've been with some latinos that don't do it, but more often than not they're all nice and tidy. But the black dudes, they just let that shit grow freely. I mean I wouldn't even make a big deal about it if some of them had it trimmed down. Nope, they have full on afros below the belt, complete with beady beads. And everyone knows when you don't manscape, don't expect me to do any type of licking on or near your balls. I do not get down with swallowing pubes here and there. Is it a mental thing? Like that's your way of saying you're a man? Or is it to trap the pheromones and attract the ladies? I'm more attracted to smoothness but I digress. Or is it simply because you're too lazy to shave it off? I need answers...And ESPECIALLY from those dudes who want to look at a girl crazy when she's between waxes. Sir have you taken a look in the mirror? If you require your girl to be flying bald eagle then you should be flying right along with her. Those are just my general feelings on manscaping, the black dude thing was just an observation.

This one is the biggie. There are two types of lies told during sex: The excuse and the sex drunk lies.

THE EXCUSE: This usually happens for the dudes. There was this guy I went to high school with, I would have never expected us to hang out EVER in life, and by chance, we went to a party and just started hanging out on friendly terms. I would always text him and ask him for advice on other guys, and I remember him mentioning how one night he misfired with this chick but he wasn't worried about it because he had given her "the business" before. Then I started drunk dialing him and staying at his house while I sobered up. I liked him because he never tried anything while I was intoxicated he would just let me sleep. One night tho, he kissed me while I was all snuggled up on him watching a movie, and one thing led to another and I saw him reaching for a condom off the nightstand. Welp. Even though I was drunk it was over before I knew it. He just yelled "Oh Noooooo quickieeee" while he busted. And it was over. My drunk mind was thinking, "I have been cheated. Yet again." He asked me if I needed a towel and I'm thinking, for what? I'm fine. He hit me with the "That never happens" line. I hear that shit all the time and I reFUSE to believe I am the first person nor the reason these dudes keep misfiring. Whether it be because you can't get an erection, can't keep one, or bust too early, that shit is not my fault. I do the dick sucking and I do the riding, I think I do my part. Now you do yours. Buy cock rings, think of porn, think of baseball. Hell do whatever you gotta do to help yourself out.

But then again my sex life is doomed, remember? Thanks a lot Happenis. Bitch.

"Ooooh, baby I love you"
"This pussy is aaaaaaall yours"
"I wanna have your babies please let me have your baby"
"I'll cook, I'll clean, I'll make you tacos for lunch"
"I'll pay your rent"

Have you ever thought about the shit you say during sex? I think about some of the things I say and it makes this black girl blush. Obviously under normal circumstances I wouldn't say any dumb shit like that* but when you got that diamond tipped dick making you feel all kinds of good to where if you opened your eyes you wouldn't be able to see straight, you say some crazy stuff. What the fuck possesses us to say some crazy shit like that? Just have us straight talking out our asses, no pun intended. One day my friend hits me up asking me if I've ever told a dude I loved him during sex. I told him no, I might've said I love IT, but never I love HIM. he then asks me if girls can be fucked into saying it. I say if they an be fucked into submission, why not? He tells me he was fucking his FWB and she told him she loved him.

"What if she says it twice? Is it still the sex talking? I definitely don't know what to say back. SO I continue thrusting."

That is the reason I love having guys for friends. Because that line right there is GOLD.

In that case the chick actually had feelings for him, but that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about all the other goofy shit you wouldn't be saying if his peen wasn't anywhere near or around your vag. I would never tell a dude I was gonna pay his rent unless my head was about to explode off my shoulders in orgasm induced ecstasy* . Sex is a powerful thing. If a dude asked me to do something in between sucking and kissing on my neck I'd probably agree to buying timeshares on the moon. It's THAT serious. I would hope that everyone takes what their partner is saying during sex with a grain of salt.

Him: "Mmm babe" *sucks on neck* "I need to borrow 500 dollars"
Me: "hhurihulfrhelreuailhreuih cash or check"
Him: *sucks some more* "Don't matter. Can I borrow your car too?"
Me: "jfiewouhuwehdewualYEShidhuflhresufhe"
Him: "I don't have any gas money tho"
Me: "Shhhh. Less talking. More sucking"

after all the sex...

Him: "So about that money..."
Me: "I don't know what the hell you're talking about...LOOK AT ALL THESE FUCKING HICKIES YOU ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

SIDEBAR: why do hickies feel so good and leave suck ugly evidence behind? Le sighh...

*I PERSONALLY have never said any of that, except maybe that he can have ALLA DISSS, it's all his...but the other stuff HELL NO.

I need to get my life together and figure out what I'm about to do, as far as my sex life goes. I hate dry spells. And I would really love it if someone would let me play in trade as far as oral sex goes. We don't even have to have official intercourse, as long as he puts that puff the magic dragon tongue back to work MY GOD. And I would obviously gladly return the flavor.

Miss Sixxxty, your very own freak of the industryy