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Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Call Me, Maybe...NOT!!!

This post is gonna be rather short.
So just an update on the Goblin, the one who told me "maybe if I play my cards right" we might be able to have sex again, well I think I know why I go such a shady ass response. I was supposed to go see The Dark Knight with him and some of  his friends, yet he failed to mention that his boo was included in that group. I had no idea he even had a boo! I go meet up with him and two girls, one I knew the other one I didn't. I suspected something was up when she didn't really talk much and just kept kinda looking at me. Then at some point they started hugging and making out while I was talking to the girl I knew. I was so flustered, embarrassed and confused that I couldn't even put my thoughts together as I was talking. I kept stopping and forgetting what I was trying to say as I pretended to not notice what was going on mere inches away. I had the most pathetic crush on this man...and for what. I thought he was such a great guy, and I mean he probably still is but this brings me back to my issue with the Sexsomniac. Why are you bringing sand to the beach?! I mean it was pretty clear that he liked this chick more than me so I don't see why my presence was even needed. I had briefly stopped talking to him after the maybe incident, and recently started talking to him again. Something told me not to go to the movies that night...thankfully I hadn't purchased my ticket yet so when everyone went inside to find seats I pretended to buy my ticket then dipped. Sadly my crush went deeper than sex so yeah when he kissed ol girl I felt some type of way. ugh. Fuck. Whatever.

Monday, July 16, 2012

The Tampon Incident.

You know at some point in time I would love to not have embarrassing shit happen to me during sex.
But then if it was you guys probably wouldn't enjoy the blog as much. And I'm so glad that it happened with Happenis because I feel if it happened with anyone else, that would be that. My 4th of July was very "eventful".

I ended up going to a party that night and started taking shots of Three Olives Loopy vodka. Nothing good comes out of drinking Three Olives ANYTHING. It was a holiday so I knew Happenis would be out drinking and I was almost guaranteed to get some dick that night. I had gotten ready earlier that night, landscaped and all that jazz. And if you're a man you're not going to understand this next part, girls will understand completely.
 Vaginas get wet. Even when they aren't aroused. So sometimes to make sure everything stays dry and panties stay fresh some girls use panty liners which are basically thin pads. I don't use those so sometimes when I expect to get laid but I decide to go out first I just stick a tamp in to keep stuff dry and whatnot. And that's what I did that night.
Sure enough around midnight he hits me up and is like "Hey do you wanna make some money?" I'm kinda drunk at this point so I'm like HOOOOooOoOoOoW and he was like my friends are looking for a stripper. I told him I'd do it but he had to pay me in dick. He said yeah later and I screamed. I was on the roof at the party I was at and apparently I screamed "I'M GONNA GO MAKE SOME MONEY AND HAVE SEX FOR FREE!!!" I drove to the house and he met me at the door. I went in and said hi to everyone and excused myself to go freshen up a bit before I "performed". I went to the bathroom with the intention of taking it out but then Happenis knocked on the door before he barged in. I was like "Get out!!! I'm tryna get readaaay." He really didn't give two shits cause he started peeing. I'm glad he feels comfortable around me like that. Not to mention he pees for like 5 minutes straight. After he finishes I push I'm out the bathroom and he's like don't push me. He ended up getting the last laugh tho because the light switch was on the OUTSIDE of the bathroom. So he kept shutting the light off distracting me and whatnot. After checking my hair and makeup I put on my shoes and went back out. He stopped me before going out back with the boys and he's like follow me. We find an empty bedroom and he grabs me by my waist and I'm like "Ooooh right now? But your friensssss" And he tells me they made a beer run and to get a quickie in. Fine by me. So I pulled my shorts down..................
Got on top of the bed........................................................
I'm on all fours and he sticks his finger in me and then

Him: What. The. Fuck. Is. THAT.
Me: Whaaaaat? What what?
Him: Are you on your fucking period dude?
Me: What? No I don't even get a period I'm on the shot *grabs fingers* you don't even have blood on your fingers what are you talking about?
Him: What is THAT *tugs on string* feels like a tampon are you wearing a tampon?!
Me: Oh god yeah I forgot that was there................
Him: Why are you wearing a tampon?!
Me: It's complicated!!
Him: You seriously just made my boner disappear.

How fucking embarrassing. I feel if he was any other guy he'd get freaked out and the mood would be ruined, but seeing as to how I've already bled all over the man how much worse can it get (let me not even jinx myself)...Guess it goes back to that comfort level.

I stumbled off to the bathroom to hurry up and take it out then went back to the room. It didn't bother him TOO much because his boner magically returned. He bent me over at the waist on the bed and I just tried to make sure my drunk ass kept quiet. Which is next to impossible but I can to it. Just as it was starting to get really good we had to stop because the other boys were coming back. We went to join the others out back and I was trying my best not to look freshly fucked. I introduced myself and one of his friends asked how we met. Went something like this.

HIS VERSION: Welp. I didn't really see her until we went to my house and I was carrying my keg shirtless...I had been hitting the gym and she liked what she saw and the rest is history.

MY VERSION: I was with my friend at liquor king and we met up with him and I said hi blah blah blah he said "damn who is that" blah blah blah he was shirtless blah blah blah my tire popped blah blah blah then um yeaaaaaaaaah.

The private show wasn't gonna go down so we decided to go back to my party. We didn't even make it off the block before he was telling me to pull over. I told him let's just go to the party first and he's like no NOW. Fine. I told him I had a Magnum ecstasy condom and that lasted about 2 minutes before we took it off. We got it in again in the car as per our usual but this time he wedged me between the front seats on my back. Great for my small waist. Not so great for my wide ass hips. He stood straight out the sunroof and slid right on in. He always go deep and hard all the time which is amazeballs but with the e-brake, shifter and center console in my back it was a mix of pleasure & pain. More pleasure tho. I turned my head to the side though because he was thrusting pretty hard and I was afraid the airbags might deploy and snap my neck and kill me. My hips hurt so much from the fresh piercings and because my hip bones were pinched between the seats. But I didn't care because it was fanfuckingtastic. I couldn't even think straight. My mind was all jrehfunqc rlhgfenpjn4zgfrqo43 q['g...we got out the car again and I stood up while he hit from the back. I can't remember if he came on my face or my ass, I just remember wondering why my hair was wet. It's because when I was on my back his super thrusts knocked over my melted frozen strawberry lemonade:/
We drove to the party where everyone liked him, and someone smelled his armpits.......I drank a lil bit more and he was laughing at how much everyone was falling over me. Well duuuuh I'm a pretty lady! After some more shots we left to go back to his place. On the way we stopped and got him a swisher, some peanut m&ms & a pack of ciggs. Gross. We sat and talked in the car for a minute about threesomes and I remember saying something like "no black girls. unless she's ugly. cause I don't want her to look like me. cause I wanna do this with you cause I'm comfortable with you and I don't like strangers but I like you" just babbling like an idiot. I stole his m&ms and he was babbling too and I wasn't paying attention cause he looked so cute. I fed him m&ms and told him everything he was saying was all fine and dandy but i didn't care cause he had really nice lips. He said "Do you want to kiss me?" and I said yes. I was being really stupid. But his lips were so damn soft. Went back to his house, put on some drake and had more drunk sex. I'm pretty sure we used the entire bottle of lube because I woke up the next morning sticky as fuck. Some time during the course of our fucking I asked him to kiss my neck and he got all butt hurt and said "no you don't deserve it anymore" and pushed me away. So I pouted and crossed my legs and called him a meanie, then he grabbed me again and we had sex some more. Drunk sex is great. I was thinking how much I appreciated the fact that he always has his balls shaved and how much I appreciate it. Always. Shaved balls are always so much easier to play with. With my tongue.
We decided to finish in the morning and passed the fuck out until about 1. Even with two fans I woke up sweating. I was like what the hell? I couldn't tell if I was wet or just sweaty...We were both on our backs, blankets off, then I saw his morning wood come to life. Next thing I knew he started stroking it, pushed my legs apart and started touching me...climbed on top and had "morning" sex. It was niiiiiiiiiiiiice. After we finished we got dressed and grabbed some lunch before I dropped him off. I was walking around in last night's makeup with lemonade for styling gel. A hot ass fucking mess.
Then I went to lunch with a few friends before I even showered my sins away. Triflin.
But a 4th well spent if I do say so myself.

Miss Sixxxty, your very own freak of the industryy

Monday, July 9, 2012

Return Of Puss In Boots

I knew he wasn't gonna stay away for long...
You don't have sex 4 consecutive times and then be like "No...we can't do this anymore."
So the following week after all the bullshit went down I told myself fuck him. I mean we weren't friends...and if we're not fucking...then what do I really need to talk to you for? I would be civil and respect the man in his house but that's about it. He was leaving to Mexico on Sunday so I only had to deal with him for a day IF that. I woke up early Saturday morning to charge my phone in the living room, not giving a shit about how I looked at that point and he pokes his head out his room. He tells me good morning and to please excuse his mess in the living room. I had my hair in my face and really didn't care to talk to him. I said morning and not worry about it, then went back to bed. Later that night my friend calls me and she's like "Hey, Puss In Boots wants to ask you something." I'm like what the fuck could he possibly want from ME?! She's like he needs a ride somewhere. This man has my phone number why didn't he call and ask me himself? I told her to tell him to stop being a weenie and to ask me himself. He gets on the phone all nervous asking me for a ride to a check cashing place since he had to be at the airport early in the morning. I told him I'd let him know in about 2 hours when I got off work. My friend messaged me on the under and told me that he was like "Oh man...I'm so tempted to fuck Autumn again (he still calls me by my stage name...) She was tempting me this morning". If I recall correctly I said like 4 words to him and didn't even make eye contact..? What kind of jezebel black magic was I using? But after she told me that I was like challenge accepted.
So I put on a fresh face of makeup and right before I was about to pick him up my friend was like "Oh SHE just came over" That ol' bald headed cock blocking ass bitch! Ever since that say she saw me laying on the couch she clearly felt some type of way. For weeks I didn't know she even existed then that day she saw me she decided to move in every weekend when I was there. You insecure tramp you are not slick I see what you did there. But then again, you have every right to be insecure. Hah. I mean the shit was her fault anyways telling him she wanted to "keep her options open". Well bitch he just happens to be doing the same. SO after she told me that I decided NOT to pick him up and work the rest of the night. Then he was off to Mexico that day.
I didn't see him that week because he was gone and I took the weekend off for Happenis. With the whole threesome sitchy Happenis and I decided to meet up in LA on Tuesday, but due to some bullshit on his part our plans crashed and burned. But FUCK I was expecting to get some dick that night and I wanted it. My friend and I ended up getting off work early and I told her I was going to sneak in his room and jump on his dick BUT we had to make sure that good ol' cock blocking Betty wasn't there. Sure enough she wasn't and my friend pushed me into his room while he was sleeping. He ended up waking up to the commotion and was asking what was going on. I apologized for waking him and went into the living room to watch tv and he got up and showered. He came out in a towel and robe and went into his room to change. BUT he left the door open while he was changing. Sneaky, sneaky! I told him I wasn't going to watch him to change but that what he was doing wasn't fair. After he got dressed he came into the living room and asked me if I wanted to smoke a bowl with him.........We all know how that goes. I took a hit and once again felt like my face was melting off. I got that nauseous feeling again and couldn't do anything but hug my feet to my chest and breathe. My legs started shaking and shit and I was acting all weird and he kept telling me I was fine, to calm down and it was gonna be okay. Then I started laughing at EVERYTHING. His other roommate was trying to sleep so we went into his room and he was talking about SOMETHING, but it was just funny. He was like "I feel like you're laughing at me" and I mean I was, but only because I was high. He walked over to me and pushed me back on the bed and was like there's a problem here. I didn't know what he was talking about until he started pulling my basketball shorts down telling me he didn't like them. He climbed on top of me for a minute and shot gunned me the last bowl he smoked, then started kissing my neck (fkiwbfueae;bcsanfnchwlhfalofh;p), licking up the side of my neck to my ear then biting my earlobe. He stuck his hands down my shirt and I could be crazy but I swear being high makes my nips extra sensitive. And the shit felt AMAZEBALLS. I had bought a big ass box of magnums earlier that day so I told him to grab them and we got down to business. He ate me out for a minute and before he put the condom he asked me to kiss it. No problem there. Then he asked me to play with his foreskin..................................................and I was just like tf do I even do that? The fact that he wouldn't hold it back for me while I was trying to suck it was was like going over a fleshy speed bump. I didn't particularly like that shit...but I still did it anyways. God I hate foreskin...If I ever have a son I'm getting him snipped. Idgaf if his daddy isn't clipped I'm saving my baby a lot of trouble in the future.
Anyways he puts the condom on and he starts on top. He knows the value in foreplay so I was all ready to go. He was on top for a minute then whispered "You want me to hit it from the back?" Sir, you can hit it any which way you please. He flipped me and I had to stick my ass in the air so that he could hit my spot. I looked back at him briefly and he was thrusting with his hands on his hips lol. It looked funny but felt good so I wasn't about to judge. I threw it back a lil bit and then he came. He mumbled something about doing yoga, put on another condom and started stroking himself hard again. He was just like "fuck this, I'll just get hard in your pussy" Uh, okay. Lol. He put my legs on his shoulders then leaned all the way forward. My knees were by my ears and I was trying to figure out why he was the only guy that could get my legs all the way back without any pain. He asked me if I liked when he got hard inside me and I just pulled his hair. I wanted him to stop talking and to just fuck me lol. He stayed on top the entire time and I couldn't do anything but pull his hair and dig my nails into his back. He had his accent in full effect and my brain was just like hfjhfahefawo jeina fso;af soa;f a mush. He sat back up and put my hands on his waist so I could hold on to him and then BAM. Round two was over. Grabbed another condom and we had sex AGAIN. I think I had one more condom left in the room with me so after we finished the third time he was like lets wait til morning because morning sex is my favorite. Alright whatever you want. As I drifted off to sleep I was thinking mission accomplished.
We woke up the next morning and had sex two more times (we found another condom, woop woop) and I did the walk of shame back to my friends room. I knew he couldn't resist me it was just a matter of time. He hit me up later asking if we could be swingers and go to swingers parties, and I was just thinking "Swingers are couples...and we're not a'm confused" I was tryna figure out why that "friend" couldn't do it, but then I remember he has feelings for her or whatever, and I'm just LOADS of fun. So we can have al the kinky fun and she can have all that romantic shit. That weekend we had sex three more times...It would have been 4 had he let me take advantage of his morning wood, but he didn't :( He was in the process of moving so I understood. The last day in the apt he poked me in the ass with a broomstick to let me know I could still get the D. He just told me to hit him whenever and I made a mental note of it. Good to know you yummy little Columbian.

Good shit. Next blog I gotta tell you about The 4th Of July + Happenis + the tampon "incident" Most embarrassing shit ever.
Miss Sixxxty, your very own freak of the industryy

Friday, July 6, 2012

The Wait Is Over!!!

Yes!!!!!!!!!! After 6 long ass months of terrible sex............
Look at God! But it wasn't all rainbows and sausages. No it wouldn't be right unless he threw a monkey wrench in my plans. So of course he hits me up when I'm at work 5 million miles away. And I swore to myself as soon as I came back home I was gonna take 6 months of frustration out on him. I think I ended up seeing him on a Tuesday night...I got to his house around 2:47ish, magnums in hand wearing the biggest smile ever. We walk to his room and he tells me "You're like a kid in a candy shop right now huh?" I was like how about you just stop talking and give me what I came here for. We get naked and I laid on my back ready for it. He puts the condom on and we literally have sex for like two minutes before he pulls out and tells me the MAGNUM condom I brought him was "too tight"...ol' girthy ass bastard. So I had to run out to the car - naked, mind you - grab some more and navigate his suuuper packed dark ass garage. I walked back into his room and he's just standing there in all his naked glory, dick pointing north like a compass. I couldn't help but smile again. This time I turned around so he could hit from he back and he's just slapping his dick on my ass laughing and he asked me if I was gonna blog about this. I asked him why he was even reading my blog since we haven't fucked in about 6 months.

"You know what I don't even wanna talk about this anymore it's making my dick soft."

Uh huh...but you brought it up. LOL anyways, he was kinda fumbling to get the condom on, and n the meantime I was like what should I do? I feel when it takes a guy too long to get the condom on it's kinda awkward. Like do I just lay there? Do I grab his balls? Do I roll onto my stomach and not make eye contact? WTF am I supposed to do?! He finally gets it on, slides in, and next thing I know, it's OVER. He said "You're already about to make me cum" and I pushed him away screaming "NO!!!!! STOP MOVING!!" but by the time I pushed him away it was too late. That NEVER happens!!! I couldn't do anything but punch him in the chest and get dressed. I told you guys his alcohol = his viagra. And if that means we can only have sex when he's drunk I'm absolutely fine with that. Cause that shit right there? Nah....I got back into my car at 3:04.
I took it upon myself to redo that night and act like that shit never happened. I planned on taking the following WEEKEND off from work to get thoroughly fucked. House to myself it was perfect.

We usually have this booty call window between like 1-4 am when we can get it in, usually later when he's ending his night. I spent damn near 100 bucks on lingerie (corset, fishnets, the whole 9) my hair and makeup was done, everything. I was just sitting, waiting, in my full outfit for nothing basically. By 3:30 I was pissed because it was getting late, I basically wasted a night of makeup. I was starting to feel unappreciated and like clockwork he hit me up at 3:57. Drove over to where he was and instead of getting into the front seat he gets into the back. I'm like WTF?! Do you not see what I'm wearing?! You can't take in my sexiness in my backseat!!! So I got back there and tried to act fake mad when he shoved me between the front seats. I wasn't moaning or anything. Idk if he noticed or not, but he grabbed me and put me on my back. After he got on top it was like like bitch who are you fooling...just take the dick and enjoy it. So I did. I had to take off the corset tho...hurt too much to have sex in it in the car especially. While he was hitting from the back my phone went off and he was like "Oh you called other guys tonight before you called me huh? You tryna see other guys? Go ahead answer it. Pick that shit up" and I was just like "its not importaaaaaaaaaant. It's not important OH GOD" The entire time he's hitting me with those deep ass death strokes. I swear we come up with the weirdest positions in the backseat.

-both his feet on either head rest, me standing out the sunroof
-shoved between the front seats with my feet on the back seats while he stands straight up out the sunroof
-car door open with me on my side one hand on the ground while he's on top
-feet on the seat, hands around his neck while he takes over
-back on the front seat, legs on either side of him, holding on to the sun roof for leverage

He sat down and I rode him reverse cowgirl while I stuck out the sunroof. Every time I slowed down he'd yell at me like "Oh is that all you got? *slap* no you stick it in if you want it *slap, slap* Don't slow down you keep going" Yeah, yeah, keep it up. Me likey. We ended up out the car in this strange ass neighborhood with dogs walking around and shit, cars driving by, sun coming up...on my hands and knees he pushed my back down and grabbed my arms behind me like reigns. My face was damn near in the gutter but I didn't care because THAT'S what I had been waiting for for the last 6 months. He was asking me how much did I miss his dick (a lot) and how long I waited for him (Forfuckingever). It was what I wanted: choking, hair pulling, ass slapping, deep strokes...He pulled out and came on my ass, slapped my ass and said "You're welcome". Smug ass lol. I went to the trunk to get my towel so he could wipe me down, then I noticed sometime during the course of our fucking he threw my glasses out the window! And he claims he doesn't even remember doing it. But that didn't matter because it was time for tacos. On the way he acknowledged he likes to drunkenly confess his love for me, so at least I know he might mean it a little, but to take it with a grain of salt.
Anyways we were talking about work and he tells me

"Look. I have a hundred dollar bill in my room. I'm gonna go to the bank and cash it for singles. Then the next time we fuck while I'm fucking you doggy style I'm gonna be slapping your ass and I'm gonna make it rain on your back saying 'Alright alright alright you gon learn today'. And we're gonna get it all on camera"

Sounds amazing right? I had to call him out on his bullshit tho. We just went back and forth with our "uh huhs" & "nu uhs" and he decided to make it a bet. If he actually did it we'd have a threesome. If he didn't, well I still got my dick so who cares. So this was all supposed to take place that night. Dropped him off, and drove home. By now, the sun was up, and the yard sale crowd was up. And or course the night that I don't wear pants my neighbors just HAD to have a damn yardsale. I don't even think I had shoes on. I snatched my silky robe and wrapped it around my waist and prayed my parents were still sleep because how the fuck would I explain why I look like a freshly fucked burlesque dancer? Fortunately I slipped in unnoticed and knocked the fuck out.

Now the chick in question basically looks like the hotter version of me and she happens to be my friend so I felt some type of way about having a threesome with her. But I felt like he wouldn't hold up his part of the agreement anyways. Once again 3:30ish am comes around and he's like "its time". I picked him up from the taco shop and  we ended up going back to his house because my parents never left. He turned off the lights and he actually put on music without me having to ask him! He got naked, laid on the bed and I sat on top of him. He licked my nipples and he was asking me why I got my boobs so big. I was like what, you don't like them? He's like nope they're fine...kept on squeezing and licking. He slowly slid in and placed my hands on the wall. The faster he went the less leverage I had so I put my hands back on his chest. "No you put your fucking hands back on the wall" Whatever you say sir. At one point my head was hanging off the edge of the bed and I had one leg around his waist and the other on his shoulder and he was asking me if I was gonna tell my friends about this. Yes, but not how you want me to. LOL. Then he flipped me over like a krabby patty and placed his hands on the small of my back so that the only time I could breathe was when he thrusted. Made me sounds like a damn gorilla *GRUNT, GRUNT, GRUNT, FUUUUUUCK, GRUNT* Everything was kind of a pleasurable blur. Next thing I knew he pushed me away, said "gimme that face* and I sucked him while he finished. Pretty sure I had more ON my face than in my mouth, but whatever. I wiped some off with my hands and was like LOOK!!! Then I licked it off and he laid on the bed. So I climbed back on top and we sat there listening to music, he was looking thru my phone at my pictures, asking me who would be calling me at 5 in the morning (from the night before). Then every time I tried to answer he'd slap me on the ass. Finally I just pinned him down cause it was starting to hurt lol. Then we passed out.

JUST TO BE AWAKEN by his punk ass friend (the one we had the "threesome" with) and some bitch like 2 1/2 hours later. And he wonders why I don't like him. What a terrible fucking way to end such a perfect night. Like I know they saw me laying there. When you see your friend has company you fucking say sorry and remove yourself from the room. Not these rude ass bitches. Needless to say I was NOT happy. The girl's excuse was that they called before they came. But his phone was dead so he didn't answer. Him not answering does not give you the fucking right to barge into his room!!! I went back home, said good morning to my mother, walked by a mirror, saw dried cum on my chin. FAIL.
But I must say, for taking off the entire weekend, it was def fucking worth it.

Next up: The return of Puss In Boots.
Miss Sixxxty, your very own freak of the idustryyy