I'm gonna take this time to just say what's on my mind right now. It may get a lil gushy so if you didn't come here today for that type of thing you don't have to read this.
So as you all know I love Adam Driver's character "Adam Sackler" on HBO's GIRLS. I am in love with a tv character. I am in love with the idea of him, that someone like him exists out there. Everything he says usually hits home for me because either I'm feeling that way or he's replaying a scenario I've already been thru. In one episode he goes to an AA meeting because he feels like he's been slacking on them. He makes this speech that makes me sad:
"I had this girlfriend who at first i didn't
like very much, or i didn't take her very seriously i guess. She just
seemed like you know - piece of ass. She was PERSISTENT man...and she
just hung around and hung around and showed up at my place and gradually
it started to feel better when she was there. Wasn't love the way i
imagined it - I just felt weird if i didn't know what she was up to or
whatever and i like knowing that she was
just gonna BE there and warm and staying the night. She acted like i
was teaching her EVERYTHING...about history and sex....i showed her. And
i wanted that chance to show someone everything. But she changed her
mind about me and it was that fast."
The first half reminds me of how things used to be, like the way i felt he thought of me. The middle reminds me of how I started feeling about him. The end reminds me of the last time I spoke to him with me being on the other end of the situation. It makes me think about things I wanna get over, but just quite haven't yet. I feel stupid for being a girl about this. Like this has never happened to me before, when it comes to sex everything was just smooth fucking sailing. Sure I'd still get mad when they were dicks but the only difference here was when they were dicks the first time around I'd peace them out and not look back with any problems. I don't know why this douche bag was so different. I didn't see myself falling for him until it was too late....this is really starting to sound like a romantic novel that some middle aged housewife would be reading in a bubble bath with a glass of wine. I HATE that. Mushy gushy romance stuff isn't me. That's why I'm so fucking confused.
The worst past is, is that I didn't just fall on my own. Aside from celebrity obsessions when you fall for someone you usually fall because they give you some sort of sign that hey they may like you too. I'm not an idiot. I wouldn't call someone i didn't like babe or hell i wouldn't even wanna flirt and hang out when we're not having sex. I would just say he showed signs he shouldn't have if he didn't either have feelings or want the girl to think he did and send her mixed signals. But mixed signals is what I got and I fell for the fucking okie doke. And got screwed in the end.
Now he's been gone since last year and I'm trying to just do other stuff and think about him as little as possible. But I still think about him sometimes. I wonder if he's gonna come back, because that's what I'm used to. Then I try to remind myself "No he's not coming back so move on". I think of some good times then tell myself he's a horrible person and whatnot. I ask if he ever thinks about me, even just a little and I have no fucking idea why. I thought I was good til I saw him at the gym. We live like 5 minutes away from each other and know most of the same people so I knew I'd have to see him EVENTUALLY, but I never knew when or how I'd feel at the time. When I saw him I had a fucking anxiety attack. It happened before I completely realized what was happening. I tried to finish my workout making sure to stay away, but I just wasn't feeling it. When I passed him up he avoided making eye contact and when he came in the sauna when I was already there he made sure to sit all the way in the back while his friend sat in front of me. I can act like it's not awkward and that it doesn't bother me but it does. I feel like I didn't do anything wrong to be treated like that. I have no idea how I managed to fall for a person who could be so mean. I can't even pinpoint what's making this all so difficult which in turn does not help me feel better. Like I can't fix something if I don't know what's broken! These are all weak words, words of a bitch. This makes me so mad because I don't know how to dead this shit already. I'm having a mental block right now. I just don't know anything about anything anymore. Everything is just all kinds of fucked. Now I would never ever even consider suicide over a broken heart be it him or someone in my future but now I know why some people do that shit. This shit is NOT FUN some days it can seem unbearable. Some days I don't even know how people who got over this did. I just try to tell myself that I'm okay, and there's someone better out there or whatever. And have fun in the meantime. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't. I mean it sucks to feel shitty but it's just a part of life. And life moves on.
I'm just honestly over feeling like this I want to feel repulsed when I think about him already.
I'm gonna go watch some Netflix and think on it. Since that's pretty much the only thing I can do. merp:/
Miss Sixxxty, wants to go to sleep.