If YOU'RE reading this, you know you no longer have any business to keep checking up on me. So if you don't like what I'm saying, tough titty.
I can barely remember what started this whole stupid conversation but all of a sudden it was like a complete 180. Like I just fucked you 6 times tonight AND bought you tacos I think I was on my best behavior! This entire bullshit started because of a comment I made 2 FUCKING FEBRUARIES AGO! Basically his friend told me he was a good guy and needed someone to tie him down. All I said was that I wouldn't mind him being my boyfriend but I don't think he's looking to date me. And the friend randomly brought it up a few days before. And the shit was weighing heavy on him since then or something. I don't know that doesn't sound like a bad comment to me! He starts going on about how he wants me to know this is never going anywhere (nothing too new) but then he decides to tell me WHY. And he gave me a million and one reasons about why I'd be a horrible girlfriend. Mind you I'm high on brownies so I'm barely processing what's going on. Not being able to say what I wanted sucked. But this was how I was feeling.
"Our foundation wasn't strong to begin with, it's unstable"
Okay yeah I know I fucked you when I met you, but honestly I don't thin k neither one of us saw this shit lasting as long as it did. And that shouldn't really mean shit NOW, but whatever.If the foundation was so unstable you know what people in construction do? They START OVER. Yeah I fucked you that night but remember I didn't fuck myself! Fuck the whole "well I'm the guy I'm supposed to try to sleep with you you're not always supposed to let me." You can also keep it in your pants too. That makes you no better in the foundation building process.
"You fuck every guy you meet you have like a constant rotation of guys. I know I read your blog."
Idk why this was even an issue when he has a steady rotation of other bitches he fucks too. Like I can't even count on my hand the number of bitches he fucked when he moved, not to mention he fucked that bitch the weekend I was staying at his house. When I think about the guys I slept with and I think about that bullshit he pulled I think mine was the lesser of the two evils.I never told him to his face about other guys, and I let him know the only reason I still fucked other people was because he wasn't always around. Like wtf do you expect me to do? Be monogamous to someone who clearly isn't being it himself? You're gonna get yours and I'm gonna get mine. And for him to accuse me of sleeping with every guy that shit is laughable because if he knew anything he'd know his dick has made me VERY picky. I refuse to settle for less when it comes to sex. I'd rather have no sex than bad sex, hence the 6 month drought before I met him. But he'll continue to think what he wants.
"How do we tell our grandkids how we met? That's not something we can tell them."
First off, why are you thinking about GRANDKIDS?!?!?! We just skipped our own huh...And the answer is you tell them the truth: I met you thru a mutual friend in the parking lot of liquor king. I don't see a problem with that. Of course you leave the sex out, but when you're talking to kids you leave sex out regardless so....I don't see the issue here.BUT it's apparent to me that you HAVE considered what a future with me would be like. Noted.
"Why would you drive 5 hours to go visit someone? Just to go visit."
OMG. He will NOT let this shit go!!! Idk how many times I have to tell him that I didn't sleep with someone I consider to be a brother. And not "brother" like some of you bitches say where you fuck on the under. Like actual almost blood brother. The idea of even seeing him naked in a sexual manner turns my stomach. But he has it in his head that I already did it, which probably explains why he fucked that bitch in the next room over when I was there. I didn't sleep with him end of discussion.
"I don't know anything about you. You never talk to me."
Only because YOU made me feel that way! I felt like I could never just be like "hey what's up" or anything for fear of getting ignored. Although very low it still feels like a form of rejection to me so I just choose not to do it. The few times early on I did try to invite you to come out with our mutual friends you'd always say no, so I just stopped asking. You don't know anything about me because you CHOOSE not to. Just as easily as I could've talked to you you could've said hi to me too. At least that way I would know it wasn't taboo to hit you up for only sex. And I never talk to you because I felt if I did you would think "Oh, this girl is catching feelings" when that wouldn't be the case all the times. Humans communicate when there's an issue, something we never did until shit hit the fan. We had no regular communication. When you say "I know when you're mad because you get really quiet" you still would'nt ask what was wrong, and I felt we had that emotional disconnect so I come here to vent and say the things I want. Speaking of which:
"Why didn't you stop blogging about me when I asked? Some of the things I read I'm like, 'Oh, this is what she was thinking at that moment?' And some of the stuff you say is kind of hurtful."
Okay apparently this blog is another roadblock. I did stop blogging about him for a while, usually just a one line mention to let everyone know we were still seeing each other, but there wouldn't be full blogs dedicated to him. But then after a while I thought, damn I have nothing to write about. And how dare someone who isn't my boyfriend ask me to stop doing something I was doing before I met them? If he wanted to be my boyfriend and expressed his dislike for it I would've fully taken it into consideration out of respect for my relationship. But when you tell me you only want a casual hookup then you have no say in what I choose to do in my spare time. And if you guys have been following me a long time you know that 98% of the time everything I have to say about him is nothing short of stellar. The only times I would say "bad" things is when he would start acting stupid. But I've never tried to tear down his character on purpose simply because I like him too much.
"And then you strip every weekend for disgusting ass men. How do you ever expect a man to take you serious?"
There are plenty of guys who are mature and that do. You are the one with the issue. Me dancing was never a problem when I would treat you to lunch was it? If dancing was something that you had trouble with we should've talked about it, and not in a "Oh, if you wanna marry a Mexican you gotta stop dancing." Just tell me YOU don't like it. Smh and to think I was actually considering not doing it anymore so I could be more available for him. Glad I didn't. Once again if you were thinking about dating me and it was an issue then you should've spoken up instead of being all jealous. I dance naked yeah but that's it. I don't meet up with these guys after and fuck them I just fucking dance. But like I said when you say you only want a casual hookup why should my job even matter? Noted.
"Trying to date you now would just be weird. I can't see myself calling you up and being like 'Hey, lemme take you to dinner'"
Well, that's not my fault. I don't see how us going to dinner is any different than us going to Tito's and hanging out and talking.
"You only use me for sex. You've hit me up for sex before. Like you get so mad when I don't fuck you."
HAH!!!!!!!!!! Isn't that what I'm supposed to be doing? You don't wanna date me so why should I act like I want you for anything else? Sir, The number of times I've asked you for sex over the last two years I can probably count on my hand. They nowhere near add up to the amount you've hit me up for it. How are you gonna tell me "It's just sex" and then get mad at me for only hitting you up when I want sex? Sorry that I like your dick a lot.
"Why haven't you had a boyfriend? I feel like you're holding out for me or something when it's not going to happen."
So because I've never told you "Oh hey I have a boyfriend now we have to stop this" it means I'm holding out for you? Okay. There have been other guys I've actually been interested in dating sans the sex and it just never works out. Why? I don't know but it wasn't because you were in the back of my head. Because why would I choose someone who doesn't want to bring me around his friends over someone who would? That makes no sense.
"I just don't wanna lead you on because I've been hurt before I got cheated on...blah blah blah."
Oh you got cheated on huh? That was around the time I remember you told me you loved another girl. As you sat in my car having a post sex cigarette. Sounds like cheating to me. And why do you care so much about whether you're gonna hurt me or not (even though this entire conversation is killing me). Someone who doesn't have feelings for me wouldn't give two shits. And you think NOW, two years later is a good time to be like "I should probably speak up about my intentions." Cause there is no way in hell I could like you after all this time? Okay. Why does something I said two years ago matter now?! Noted.
"There may have been times when I tried to act all romantic but it just isn't going to work."
That makes no sense. But okay.
"You're just a sex addict like you want sex all the time."
When has this ever been an issue?! Okay yeah, I like having sex a lot but what does that have to do with anything? If you were my boyfriend I'd obviously want to do more than just fuck you all the time. But you aren't. And the sex happens to be amazing. Sorry for wanting to have amazing sex with you all the time.
"Like honestly, I wrote you off the night I met you and you fucked me."
If that was the case, if you wrote me off two years ago why are we still doing this? If you already decided you didn't want to ever be with me then why do you give two shits about whether I only use you for sex or whatever it is you think I do? I mean I'm not an idiot, I wasn't born yesterday. I didn't expect us to get together, get married and start popping out kids in the house with the white picket fence. I never tried to pressure you into making me your girlfriend. I kinda knew this was only going to be fun sex but you flipped all this shit and made it unfun. It's like knowing there's a dead body in the next room over. You know it's there but you're smart enough not to go open the door and see it. You just keep going on about your business with that dead body in the back of your mind. Well, you fucking kicked down the door and held my eyes open and made me look at it. You don't wanna be with me, fine. But why do you want to have this conversation now?! What the fuck did I do to piss you off that night? He brought up that he thought it was cool that I would listen to him talk about his goals and dreams or whatever may have been on his mind. Yeah, I did that shit because I was genuinely interested and like hearing you talk about things you're passionate about. For you to just genuinely be as hurtful as possible. If you had no feelings for me we shouldn't even be having this conversation.
The night basically ended with me asking him what this means, if he doesn't want to see me anymore. He said no that's not what it means, and that we've had "epic sex" and it's been fun and whatnot. SO. I guess my pussy is the only thing that kept you coming back all these years? That's a warning to the guys I haven't met yet. Watch out for my killa cocaine cooch. You'll be addicted after one dose. I was barely processing what was going on the entire night because I was under the influence of that stupid brownie. He said he just wanted to tell me he doesn't wanna date me and he's sorry that this turned into a big thing. I couldn't even look at him. Half because I didn't want to, half because the tears were stinging my eyes. We've argued before, but this time felt different. I've never cried before but this conversation was hurting me and I couldn't figure why. He asked me to walk to the door with him and I'm thinking for what? After all that shit you think I should still keep doing shit for you, no matter how small. I don't even know what the fuck I was feeling, I just wanted to vanish into nothingness. I went home and cried.
I cried like a little bitch.
I woke up the next morning and decided to go to work. I cried the entire way there.
At work I was a mess. I had a customer ask me how my day was going and I had to look away because I felt my eyes burning and that lump in my throat again.
I feel my eyes burning again as I write this.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
I fell for a very charming asshole with good dick.
Even though he said he didn't wanna stop seeing me I haven't heard from him since.
And that was on October 13th.
I figured I'd give him space, and waited about a month before I reached out to him.
I didn't get a response.
Guess he found someone else though. My friend called me and told me the things she was seeing on his twitter and how a picture of him and his girl was posted 3 days before I hit him up.
I don't allow myself to care much for this very reason. I never check his fb, twitter, instagram or anything because you don't look under a rock and get mad when you find dirt. Still didn't make it any easier.
Here we are in December now and nothing's changed. Every day it gets easier but there are those times when it really sucks.
So from what I've gathered I'm a sex addicted whore of a stripper who wants nothing more in life than to fuck millions of people. Or something to that effect. Noted. My whole take on the night honestly was that he started to catch feelings but since I'm not the "ideal" girlfriend model for him, he basically had to go thru an entire laundry lists of reasons about why it wouldn't work. It sounded like he was trying to convince himself more than he was trying to "inform" and "protect my feelings". Judging me by the shit I do as a single person doesn't reflect the type of person I'd be as a girlfriend. You'll never know what type of girlfriend I'd be unless you gave it a shot. Which you refuse to do. You never know the outcome of anything until you try. But hey, it is what it is. I hope you find what you're looking for.
"That moment when you want them to care as much as you find yourself caring, you then realize that they might not ever! Afraid to move on, leaving a small window of possibility, as you sit near it looking out!"
Miss Sixxxty, your very own freak of the industryy